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Friday, June 3, 2011

The Magic Bullet List

Many take the desperation that black women have regarding their prospects for a loving mate and play on them
Oh I love the magic bullet, I swear some of us are so desperate in our attempts to find romance we'll believe anything anyone says. Especially when it says, well it's not you, it's them. I see the magic bullet list items all over the internet. I see them on tons of websites, I've seen them so much that hell I started to believe some of it. That's usually how a lie works, you hear it enough and then all of a sudden it starts to become true. But I'm a critical thinker, something that is sadly lacking in this world. I swear if people see something on television or read it on the internet they just take for granted it's the truth and that person is telling the truth. In a post I had a while back called You Better Be Suspicious I talk about the good points of being suspicious of what folks say. I know this isn't taught by many people but doubt is a good thing sometimes, it can help us not be taken advantage of. I understand that as women we all want to hold out hope that all that stuff you've been reading on relationship website or in those relationship articles is true but really it just all depends. When I write things in this blog regarding relationships especially those involving black women and non-black men I try to use language like some, sometimes, maybe. I stay away from absolutes because they are so unreliable, nothing I write in here is for everyone some may be able to use it, some may not. It doesn't bother me if you can or if you can't. I'm hear telling my story because someday I'd like to look back on this and see how I've changed. That's always my goal to be ever evolving, to be different than I was the day before, to learn, to grow. In a few years I may have changed my mind regarding some of these things because my experiences may have altered it so there are no absolutes. And when people start talking, writing, or advising in absolutes I get fairly suspicious and fast. Believe me when I say, everyone has an agenda even I have one. Some are admirable, some...not so much.

. Unfortunately there are many gullible black women as there are many gullible women, period. Those women who are desperate for an answer to why they are lonely or cannot maintain a relationship, why men don't talk to them and really the best way to sell your shit to never blame the person always blame the other person. We live in a microwave society in the U.S., everyone wants everything today and they don't want to do any work to get it. We want what others have but are unwilling to do the work or make the sacrifices they have to gain it. We just think we deserve it and like little children, we want it NOW!  So in comes your savior with magic bullet list, here to tell you that if you A-B-C and D the man your dreams will drop out the sky and pledge his undying love to you. I have yet to hear of someone using this magic formula to the letter and having it work. I always say the proof is in the pudding, no tangible results means that crap don't work. Bringing out this 'experts' with nary a credential between them and if they got a degree it has no CV to match. I'm sorry when you say experts, I think of experts like the ones I used to use in my career a paralegal with CVs 5 pages long and some proof of their expertise, anybody can write a book. Really the magic bullet list are never called this because then you couldn't believe in them, they have names like formula, rules, and such. The premise always is, we're breaking you down to build you up, you're incapable of finding someone on your own so you need my magic bullet bullshit list and it will happen for you. I'm calling shenanigans on all the magic bullet list that I've seen for black women regarding non-black men. There is no formula, there are suggestions, there's stuff you can try but that doesn't mean it's going to work. But that doesn't mean give up hope and just close yourself in your condo and get some cats. We cannot get things instantly it takes some effort on both people's part to find love and good relationship and to maintain it. If you haven't found love, all that means is it's just not your time. I get sick of people crying and whining, why hasn't it happened for me. You're not the only one who would like a relationship, blow the snot out of your nose and get out there and make yourself available for love dammit. Really I dislike the magic bullet list, I'm going to list some things I've seen from it and tell you why it's total bullshit.

-White men are shy -that's a damn lie, some and I'll say it again some men are shy, white, black, Latino, Asian yea some are shy. But believe me a bunch are not, get a clue on what men do when they flirt and learn to flirt back. White men may flirt different but he will flirt. I'm thinking this came from people who have never been around white people ever and think they are so different. If you knew any white people, you'd understand why this is a crock of shit.

-White men only like dark-skinned women -what kind of bs is this, I've seen white men with every hue of black woman from fair to blue-black. Men like what they like and for some men that's consistent while for others it is not.

-You need to go to Europe to find a white man -while European white man don't have all the racial baggage we have here in the U.S. there is no guarantee you will go there and the men will be falling at your feet. Really, if something is wrong with you no matter where you go, you will still be there. American men date and marry black women all the time, you are not hunting for leprechaun gold trying to find a man. Just pay attention to your surroundings and have some reasonable expectations.

-White men go for black women with natural hair -I swear I hate this one so much and this is such nonsense I want to go out and do speeches on the street about it. Hear this, white men don't know anything about black women's hair, black men barely do. But rest assured, white men don't know if your hair is natural, permed, or fake unless you tell him. My Matt has dated 2 other black women besides me and he still has no idea the difference between natural and permed. Men don't worry about those sorts of things, only women.

No matter who you are, no matter what you look like, there is someone out there for you. Why would YOU be the only person in the world there isn't someone to love you or for you to love. Yes, you're going to be rejected but let's stop with the narcissism that only we should be able to reject people and never be rejected. Get out there and do something, get out of your comfort zone, take up some new hobbies, do some things to get yourself prepared so when love shows up you'll be ready. That's what we don't do we're so worried about why someone else isn't doing something instead of doing something ourselves that will have us prepared for the love of our lives. Why should you ever have something you are not prepared for? Black women, white men and other non-black men are attracted to you, stop trying to contort yourself into something you are not. Be yourself, you're worthy of love just the way you are. Be the best you and that will attract the best to you.

If you want to ask me something specifically and privately, click here and I'll see if I can help you. I won't be able to answer everything but I'll definitely try.


  1. Oh they don't land at your feet, But at least I get hit on a lot, The Swedes are legendary for their shyness and awkwardness, It's really surprising that they haven't died out. And even with that they manage to hit on me quite a bit whenever we go out dancing or in some social setting. So Shyness is no excuse from white americans who think that Swedes are to shy (according to expatriate blogs).

  2. Nkosazana, as I've said before I have the shyest of the shy men (he's Swedish-American so maybe it's inherited) but even he got the nerve to take the risk to talk to women including me and other black women b/c he wanted a relationship with someone compatible. You know I'd admire and feel more for the guys who use the 'shy with bw' excuse if they just told the truth for that and just say I don't know how to talk to women, any woman. I don't know if people realize how weird it sounds and a little racist when you say 'I can talk to all other women but bw just freak me out' really. And yes American wm are not all shy, it's the truth most ppl are dating/marrying ppl of the same race, all around the world, that's a fact so yea sometimes some wm aren't thinking of bw as a potential mate but I'll put in this caveat if they saw a bw they thought was hot, I don't think they'd be hand-wringing and they'd just do what they needed for a woman they really, really wanted. That's what men do.

  3. Your blog is a refreshing change from most of the others. I have stopped commenting on all BWE blogs and now visit them very infrequently because there is too much focus on what is "wrong" with BW and what we need to change in order to find a WM. Why are we the only women on the planet who were born with everything wrong with us and need to spend a lifetime fixing ourselves before we can expect a man to love us?

    If I were a WM reading most of the BWE blogs, I would be very afraid to date a BW because of the focus on BM, the problems in the black community, and on BW "issues" such as low self esteem, hatred of their natural hair and features, fear of non-black men, and pain from colorism.

    Like you and Nkosazana, I do not believe that a man is ever too shy to go after a woman he wants. Shyness is just an acceptable excuse for WM who don't really have an interest in BW, but are afraid that they will be considered racist if they simply admit that there is no attraction.

    I am tired of hearing that WM don't care about a BW skin color or that WM have a preference for West African features. That is a lie. There are lots of WM who find West African features unappealing and we should stop pretending otherwise.

    We do not have to go from one extreme of saying that West African looking women are ugly to saying that they are the only desirable BW to white men. Many WM find mixed race BW or BW who have an East African appearance very beautiful and would never be attracted to a dark skinned, West African looking woman. There is nothing wrong with that because there are also WM who love dark chocolate women with wide noses. White men can have preferences in BW just as they have preferences in WW (blond hair or green eyes etc).

    I am also tired of the endless analysis of what we believe WM want. It is not helpful. Most of the women who read the BWE blogs are living vicariously through the few participants who have relationships with WM. They will never find anyone because they spend too much time talking ABOUT white men and almost no time talking TO white men. If a BW wants to understand WM she won't learn from a BW, but only by interacting with and forming friendships with WM. Dating is not a laboratory experiment.

  4. You're the best, you know that right? I wish I would have been this level-headed and logical 5-10 years ago, because it would have saved me a ton of heartache. I was definitely one of those women who just thought I had to have the answers to everything and that if I followed ABC formula, I would get XYZ result. Well, experience taught me life simply doesn't work that way and I realized why should I stress out about such things. Really things are the way they are and the only person/thing I have control over is myself. Now, I just do things that make me happy: working on my new career, travel, helping others and enjoying my favorite pastimes. So basically living my life while meeting people along the way. I'm not obsessing over whether a man (non-BM or otherwise) is checking for me and why not. Sorry for long reply it's just this post is hitting home here. Also, I love how on BBW (I stopped posting there, I lurk there now) you guys say to stop viewing BW/non-BM pairings as racial thing but simply as woman/man thing. Man, that helped sooo much! You have no idea lol.

  5. @Anon I don't know for certain what type of bw, straight non-bm are attracted to but I do know they are attracted to women, everything else is up for grabs. The height, weight, skin hue, hair color, long hair, short hair, glasses, big nose, small nose, tall, short, long legs, small or big feet, smart, goofy, serious, compassionate, rich or poor is all up for grabs it can vary wildly. So that's why I say no absolutes. I've never heard the East v. West African features thing but I'm guessing whoever is saying anything in absolutes on what non-bm want is full of shit and yea I'm calling them out.

    @Afromorena, thank you very much. Can I say again that if we as bw would stop obesessing about the race thing and just these guys as the men they are and relate to them that way, this whole dating/mating thing would be so much easier. I don't want a man to relate to me just as a bw, why in the world would I do that to him. Oh we make things so complicated sometimes, mating dance has been going on millions of years with every combo of man and woman in the world and it's not all of a sudden forgotten how to make love happen between two willing participants. I refuse and do mean refuse to do anything for a wm that I wouldn't do for a bm. I'm sorry they are not that special.

    @Socialitedreams hehehe!

  6. "Be the best you and that will attract the best to you."

    That's the big takeaway here.

    Excellent post!

    I'm so OVER bw wasting precisous time anaylzing such trivial things like "When do I tell the white guy I'm dating that I have a weave?"


    I want you to know I read you and the other ladies comments over at BeyondBW while you were trying help out the young girls who had questions. Yet when you all gave your opinions, they didn't like it and continued with the "woe is me, you don't understand, it's hard out there" speech. I thought your comments were very helpful!

  7. @BWLivingWell, you made me smile and laugh tonight, thank you. 'When do I tell the white man I have a weave' LOL!!! I don't do the 'woe is me' on anything, everyone has the power within them to live a wonderful life, you just got to tap into it. You know I'm ashamed to say that I hadn't really read your blog till a little while back but I love it and will be frequenting it more. I love that you come from a place of empowerment and not the victimhood mentality, I don't do the victim thing. I cannot control anyone else but I can control me. My thing is to try to lead by example, when I live my best life and people see that, some will be inspired to try to live theirs. It's not my life specifically, but they definitely have a version of theirs in them. Like attracts like, it's just a law of nature, so if you're doing well now and living well (yea baby!) that will attract that to you. When I speak of my Matt, I say this. I love him so much and he has added to my life but really before he came along my life was already cake, it was already a damn good life, he just added ice cream to my cake and if he goes away it will still be cake. We mustn't wait for any man to complete us or woman for that matter, we need to be complete in ourselves, that's always more attractive to me.

    Thank you so much for the compliment, hey sometimes ppl don't want help they just want ppl to cheer-lead their drama, I have no time for that foolishness.

  8. Late response : /

    "I don't do the victim thing. I cannot control anyone else but I can control me. My thing is to try to lead by example, when I live my best life and people see that, some will be inspired to try to live theirs."

    It's refreshing and reassuring for inexperienced youngins like myself to see older bw with this kind of mindset. ( I apologize if I'm making you sound like you are in your 60s or something). It's nice to have women to look up to :)

  9. @BWLivingWell LOL, it's okay somedays I feel my 39 years although I don't look it. I don't have tons of wisdom but what I have, I like to share with whomever is willing to take it. I learned some of this stuff the hard way, I don't want young bw to have to do that. The hard way sucks. I wished I had listened to my mom she was right about a lot of things but that's okay, I learned what I needed to learn and that's what matters. And I'm still learning, taking wisdom from wherever I can find it. Even from youngins' like yourself :-)