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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's Sad But I've Got to Go another blog site. I've loved blogging on blogger but it's time to take this blogging thing to the next level so Single Girl in a Weird World is turning into Married Girl in a Weird World on Wordpress. I'm so excited about the move and the changes that are upcoming in my life including my marriage and my name change. So come on over there, nothing but the name and the web address is changing. I'm still gonna be the crazy wild and contemplative me. See you guys there!

Why I Love That Man!

Last week was my bachelorette party with some of my female family and friends. I so enjoyed it, so much I paid for a little. But we had a good time ogling some Chippendales dancers at the Tulalip Casino, screaming our heads off, and two-fisting vodka drinks. It was awesome. As the time draws near for our wedding, I think a lot about Matt as my future husband and how absolutely thrilled and over the moon I am about it. You may not realize but I'm practical romantic, although I adore romance and do it well I'm also really practical so in my blog post Marriage is Excellent for Practical Reasons Too I tell some of the practical reasons I'm marrying this man. But there are other more emotional and personal reasons I love him and am excited about being his wife and he my husband.

Matt, really is the perfect man for me. He was born the day after me so our personalities are quite similar but there are things that he possesses that just make me love him like the dickens. I'm not the calm type, in fact, I can be very tempremental when I want to be but he's got such an easy-going mellow personality, it calms when I'm in a dither. Which is more than I'm willing to admit. We are alike in many ways, we both like sleep and lots of it. We both like to chill and lots of it. I like to travel more than him but he's more open to new experiences than me. He is compassionate, sweet, sexy, surprisingly wickedly funny, nice to strangers and babies, really talkative and very quiet and contemplative sometimes, smart as a damn whip, concerned, a family man, generous to a fault, accommodating, gentle but strong, he is a man's man in the most gentle way and he's my man. He loves everything about me, my sense of humor, my passion, my ever working mind, my bubble butt, my smile, and my round tummy. He thinks I'm perfection and says it often. I think he's perfection and I say it often. God gave him as a gift and I try never to forget that, Matt is a gift and I try my best to treat him as such. He gives so much to me, I sometimes think I'm not giving enough but he always thinks I'm doing too much. You certainly can't out-give God but Matt and I try to out-give one another. What I've found is the more I give, the more he gives, giving to him never dries me out it just replenishes my love.

The first thing I noticed about him when we met were his eyes, they were an odd shade of blue and a little mesmerizing. I had to frequently look away because I felt like he was going to hypnotize me. Then his hands, I know it's weird but he has the biggest hands I've ever seen on a man, they're like baseball mitts. When he makes a fist it's about the size of a small cantaloupe. He doesn't get mad often but when he does I usually know to stop whatever I'm doing, it's not a good thing. He's never touched or harmed me and never would but seeing him angry makes me sad. I don't want him to be angry or sad, he's such a wonderful person he doesn't deserve that. I can't stay mad at him for more than 2 minutes, he gives me those puppy dog eyes and I'm done for and I can usually stay mad a long time. But he's never malicious, maybe sometimes he didn't think but it's never done out of harm to me. I love him too death. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't in my life, I don't really like the thought. I've been married before and it was a tough marriage but I find the idea of marrying Matt so natural, so comfortable, not rushed, not pushed, like this what is supposed to happen. I'm not anxious about him or this marriage, I'm unbelievably excited. I could care less about the wedding, I'm just ready to be married to him, I'm just ready to be his wife. I don't know what people think when they see this tall, big white man and this slightly smaller black woman together. I hope they think, 'gosh, they look so in love, they look so happy together'. But if they don't, it's okay. We know we're in love, we know we're happy together and that is the only thing that matters at this or any other moment. Love you, Mattie!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-The Responsible Ones

Responsibility is so sexy, especially responsible men. I don't know what it is but when I see a sexy man pushing a stroller, carrying their baby, taking care of their wives, honoring her, eww whee it's so sexy to me. The stink of responsibility on a man is just enough to lay me out. You know I certainly don't condone women trying to step in the middle of a man's relationship but I could see why they'd be tempted. It's the responsible ones, the ones that are committed to home and hearth that are just extra uber sexy. I'll give you my top five, sexy responsible men today.

Ben Affleck, today is his birthday. Happy Birthday Ben but I know he feels like the luckiest man in the world because he has a beautiful wife and family he simply adores. Oh it's sweet and sexy.

Yea Brad Pitt, I know him and Angelina aren't married but in Hollyweird you can roll like that but the fact that the man took on a woman with  three adopted children that he adopted as his own. They've had three children together and he is as committed as ever to her and them kids. I am astonished by him. No, I don't think he cheated on Jennifer, I think he wanted a family and she wanted her figure. So he went for his own happiness and got it. Lucky Angelina and lucky kids!

Oh man, I love Kurt Russell so much this man has been with Goldie Hawn, good lord umpteen years and they look so happy and content. He helped raise her children and they have a beautiful family. What can I say, the man is a hot grandpa. What's up? I said it. 

Hugh, oh Hugh, oh Hugh, oh Hugh. His hotness and responsibility are enough to make you cream your pants. His wife is the luckiest woman on earth by far. This man is so fine it makes no sense, he's devoted to her you can see it in his eyes when he looks at her. He's a hands-on Dad, he's adopted children, he sings, he dances and plays Wolverine. Yes, he's a renaissance man. He really is male perfection. Really...he is.

Ah Big Willie, Will Smith. I've always loved Will Smith and he and Jada Pinkett-Smith (who I love too) are just a super couple. He was married previously and had a son, which they both are so proud of. He came up to Seattle to watch his oldest son play in a football game a few years back. No one knew he was here then it was on the radio. People didn't really wound him for autographs at the game, I hear because they knew he was there for his son. They are both committed parents to those kids and committed to each other. The love, fun, camaraderie, gentleness, and peace you see between them is something to behold. 

Okay, so I picked six. But I can't say enough about Tom Hanks. He really is the boy next door, the ultimate lover/Dad. Like you could see him being really passionate during the night with this wife and waking up to make the kids pancakes in the morning. Oh I love him, I love him, I adore Tom Hanks. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Do Not Interracially Date Someone that Hates

I cannot give this warning strong enough to black women who are or have decided to open up your options in dating. I cannot give this warning strong enough to any non-black man that has decided to date black women. DO NOT and I repeat do not waste any of your precious time dating a person that hates the people of the opposite sex in their own racial category or the folks of the same sex in yours. What that means in clear English is if you date a white man and he hates white women or black men don't date him. He's got issues and problems and probably hates all women. That's dangerous for women. If you're a Latino man and you date a black woman and she hates black men or Latino women, run, don't walk for the door. I don't care what anyone says, you may not have a preference for certain people in dating and mating but the pure hate thing is just weird and a red flag that this person is either trying to get back at the men and women of their race and you're being used, dumb ass. I really liked the fact that Matt didn't have some seething hatred for white women or black men while I may not want to date black men, I'm not on the hater-ade wagon. Really as I've said before I really could care less what black men are or are not doing and with whom. I regularly read and peruse some BWE and BWIR blogs and lately have seen more and more black women commenting who seem so bitter towards black men and white women in particular. As usual, things I would never do I don't understand why other people do nor do I care to understand. I am not trying to drag bitter baggage into a relationship, no one wants that. I've also come across white men who were really hating on white women and I was like 'no thank you, I'm not trying to participate in your bitter party'.  Really folks need to work out those issues before they even hang out with the rest of humanity. No one wants to be someone's second choice because they're mad at Jerome or Becky. Also no man is going to take me out like a show pony to make random women who have rejected him mad. I refuse to be used in such a disgusting manner. Now some people are okay with those of kinds of games but I'm a grown ass woman and I'm not going there, EVER. So if you meet these people and notice their conversation seems to revolve around how black men aren't this or white women aren't that, you tell them to 'strap that to their ass and get to walking' LOL. This public service announcement brought to you by Eugenia, Long-Time Swirler.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Why I am Unmoved, Unimpressed, and Not Threatened by Other Women

When my mother named me Eugenia, she did so because that was my grandmother's name and as a child my mother always told me repeatedly how special and perfect I was. Really, I just believed her, she was mother why would she ever lie to me. As I got older I searched for the meaning of my name as a woman who's taken Latin and Greek etymology classes I wanted to know the meaning. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Eugenia means 'well-born' or 'perfect' so all that time my mother had been calling me perfect as a child it was befitting my name. Since I bore the name 'perfection' it can only mean one thing. I am unmoved, unimpressed, unconcerned and not threatened by other women. I could really care less about what other women are doing or not doing. I read a lot of blogs where women are going on and on about we're always in a competition with other women, how as black women we're somehow so deficient we need to be taking lessons from other sets of women, how women are so jealous of us as black women when they see us dating out, and really those last two statements can't even be true they don't even match. I can't be deficient and on the losing end as a woman but at the same time threatening to other women if I date a man that isn't black. I wrote a blog a week or so ago called 'What You Looking At?' about these really weird encounters I've had on a few occasions where white women were crawling all over their men when they see me and Matt together and how odd I thought it was. Well, I got some of comments about how white women are really threatened by black women and such but really I was not writing to confirm that white women were threatened by me. I was writing it because I was wondering if I was just trippin' or not. I could care less if white women or any other woman is jealous or threatened by me, I don't think they are but if they are that's their problem not mine. I don't want anybody else's man and bitch I'm not going anywhere so you can be threatened for the rest of your life but really I would consider that a waste of my precious time. You know I take people on a case by case basis, it takes time to get to know me and it takes time for me to trust you. I have all kinds of female friends in all shades, the reason I love, respect, and share with those women is because they've proved to be good and loyal friends. Now, if you do something that is bad and disloyal we won't be friends anymore but until then I'm not judging you or a group of women like you on the outer shell. As a black women I hate for people to just assume they know me because of things they've seen on television or heard from other people. Really my name is not Black People, my name is Eugenia and if you want to get to know her you can. There are women in the world better looking than me, more accomplished and there are women worse looking than me and less accomplished. I am not in a competition with any of them, I'm in a competition with me, I'm trying to be the best me that God needs for me to be. I am unique and what I have to offer to this world only I can give it. What I have to offer to the man in my life only I can give him. Now if he's stupid and decides he doesn't want to appreciate it, then he can get to stepping I will not be drying up and dying. But at this point, he appreciates everything I give to him and he thinks I'm the sexiest, most dynamic and smartest woman in the world as it should be. I'm not comparing notes with other women, I don't feel bad about myself or incomplete and all the things about me that are useless I ask God to help me rid myself of those things and people. This is my journey, other women have their own journey, their own man or woman, their own family to be concerned about. I love me enough to know, that no one can give what I give to this world. I don't have to feel inadequate or incomplete when I look at others, they're doing what they need to do for their lives. I've never been a jealous woman, it's a waste. You see people where everything is shiny on the outside while they are falling apart on the inside, we need to watch our jealous streaks because sometimes there really is nothing to be jealous about. So I'm not deficient compared to other women, nor am I threatened by them. My confidence is sufficient enough that I can let someone shine and not feel weird or hateful about it. We all have something different to do, you do yours and I'll do mine. And for those that feel threatened by any woman that  walks in your vicinity I wish you my confidence because that's a sad life you lead.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I'm Sorry to Tell You This, But the Choice is Yours

I really hate giving people bad news but I guess I have to be the bearer, yes you ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS have a choice. Unless someone is holding a gun to your head and even then you have choice or you bound and gagged, you have a choice in everything that goes on in your life. I get so sick and tired of the old meme of 'I didn't have a choice, I had to do it' that's bullshit and I'm calling complete shenanigans on that right now. I received this comment today regarding the 'Braxton Family Values' Teaches Black Women a Valuable Lesson' blog I did in June.

Anonymous said: It is a sad situation. Playing devil's advocate. we do not know the full view of the mother and father's relationship. What if they had a great relationship and it just changed down the road. Some good people make bad decisions. Who is to say the mother was the perfect wife. Again not excusing the father's behavior. Television does not provide the whole story.
Also bad relationships happens in every race and not just in the black community. Just speaking from experience. Great article. 

I don't know who it's from but I have my guesses. If it's a man, it's typical. If it's a woman, it's just sad. This post is about choice but I thought after I received this comment that it would be apropos to use it in this blog post. Because choice is such a integral thing in human beings, even the worse most oppressive conditions known to man some people still made the choice to go against that oppression even under the threat of death. That's the power of choice. No matter where you are in this world, what plight you live in or under, you can make a choice to go against it. Now that may mean you endanger yourself or your family but you still have that choice.  In one of my favorite songs by the band, Rush called 'Freewill' there's this pivotal line. 

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. 

That's deep, that's the power free will, we all have it whether people are willing to let you use it or not. You still have free will, it doesn't go away with a situation. It goes away when you choose not to exercise it. 

This leads to me responding to the above post. All the sisters in the Braxton household are exercising their choice, a bad one but it's still a choice. In another blog posts I wrote called 'You Don't Have to Live with Your Mistake Forever' it explained that even if you made a poor/bad choice you don't have to live with all your life, you have the choice to move the hell on. Now I don't know about the mom and dad's relationship either but I do know that you don't go outside of your marriage to solve problems in your marriage. That goes for men and women. You also don't get up in the pulpit on Sundays and espouse to me how I'm supposed to live my life and you aren't living yours correctly. It wasn't like this happened once, he had a nine year relationship that he acknowledged on the show while married to their mother. I'm sorry I hold people who are supposed to a shepard of God's people to a higher standard as they should be held. So he's a hypocrite, doesn't mean he can't be forgiven but to live like that is hypocritical and if he had been a man he would have either left their mother before he started this affair or stepped away from that woman and just lived with his consequences. I don't give a damn if she was the meanest woman on earth, you don't cheat, you just divorce her. He had free will, he had a choice, he made a bad one and now he suffers for doing that. You reap what you sow, that's biblical too but I'm not sure if he was ever reading the bible. Yes, good people make bad decisions but you don't make bad decisions then pretend like it was a good decision because of the way you felt at the time. Just say it was a bad decision and repent for it. 

The other response is to this tired meme of 'white people do it too'. I'm going to say this once and for all and hopefully I won't be saying it again, I hate to repeat myself. I could give a fuck what white people do too. If white people have issues in their community with men or Pastors cheating on their wives, that's their damn issue to deal with. I'm worried about black people, particularly black women who are suffering in the black community because of all the bad decisions and choices we make thinking we have to stick in there for community's sake. These are some beautiful, successful, talented black women with some scrubs because their mother didn't have the sense to teach them how to make better choices in men. Black people seem to always be so concerned that other black people saying bad things about them is going to get back to 'whitey' and they'll be embarrassed. You know what I'm about to pull a Bill Cosby up in here, black people's business is already in the street embarrassing us, it's on the corner, in the classroom, on the radio we ain't hiding nothing. All our dysfunction is out in the street because we don't exercise the FREE EFFING WILL it takes to make better choices for ourselves and our families. If you like don't this blog, if you think I'm not downing 'whitey' enough, your best bet is not to read it. I'm not looking for fans. 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Viggo Mortensen

I had been having a hard time lately trying to figure who my 'Lawd Have Mercy' hawtness was going to be. But it came to in an incredible flash of genius, his name has been bandied about the blogs lately and I thought why the hell not. Let's give some love to the hawtness that is Viggo Mortensen. First and foremost, his name is hot. Can you imagine screaming that out during wild bouts of sex with him, yea I'll take that. He just exudes sex and I have yet to see him look non-hot in a movie no matter what he's playing, Aragon in LOTR, Tom Stall in History of Violence, don't lie that was the best sex scene ever and he was so bad ass in that I was love after that movie, Nikolai in Eastern Promises which I haven't seen but I hear he does the full frontal and it's not disappointing, and Lalin in Carlito's Way if you missed him in that he had a small part but memorable. He is g-o-r-geous! Ladies, I cannot lie although the young tenders are nice to look at, I like my men a little more seasoned, a little more lived in, old enough to be sophisticated but young enough to still be a little rough around the edges. Viggo fits that bill perfectly. Here he is, my man and yours, Viggo Mortensen.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Well, What About Strippers?

As you know, some things to me are worth battling around the earth about, others, not so much. One I don't and wouldn't waste my time on is strippers for Matt's bachelor party. I watch Bridezillas regularly, it's kind of like staring at car accident you really want to look away from the mayhem but for some reason you can't. One of the things on there that brides regularly do that irks the hell out me, is be all insecure and weird when their fiance has a bachelor party and there is a possibility of strippers. What is with all the heart attack drama when a guy's friends/family mention that they'll be having a stripper or going to the strip club for his bachelor's party. I wrote a blog many moons ago about Matt and my visit to a strip club in Las Vegas during our birthday trip. It was a sight to behold but never while I was there was I intimidated or felt weird about the strippers. Why? Well, here's why I'm very secure in my relationship with Matt, the most secure I've ever felt with anyone. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world even in a club full of strippers. I also think that if you're so freaked about your man going to strip club because you think he's gonna stray maybe you shouldn't be marrying that man.

My bachelorette party is in a few weeks, me and the girls are going to see the Chippendale's dances at the Tulalip Casino Resort and Hotel, casino run by the Tulalip Tribe (as an aside I ain't even mad at Native Americans for taking my money on the slots and black jack table, they are owed. Really if black people had any sense, we'd get a casino but of course we have no sense). The following week he and the guys will be heading to a Mariner's baseball game and going to a strip club. When he told me, I was like 'have a good time'. I don't get it, I am less than freaked about him going to a strip club. Especially since I'll be ogling sweaty, hot men cut up like julienne'd potatoes the week before. I can't be no hypocrite. One of the women on Bridezillas went so far as to try to pretend she was one of her fiance's friends to find out if he was having a bachelor party at the strip club, it didn't work. Although she had a nasty, greasy stank stripper at her party, puhleeze! One the women went so far as to come to the bachelor party with her fiance, the levels of insecurity and neediness in that act are astounding.

I don't know, I'm just glad I'm not 'THAT GIRL' and that I'm woman enough to let my man have some fun before he walks down the aisle. I don't want him at the strip club all the time, not particularly because of the naked women but I just don't want no other woman getting my (i.e. his money) money. Listen, I'm practical. Have fun, baby!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I'll Pay Anything for a Pair of Pants

When I say that, I don't mean any pants I mean a pair that actually fit. I don't know who designs women's pants but I'm thinking it's the devil because they never fit me. As with most black women, I have a small waist some ample hips and big ol' round bubble butt. There's no other way to call it, my butt must contribute to a decent portion of my weight now luckily I have a boobs that are pretty proportional but I never have issues finding shirts that fit or skirts or dresses but pants are the bane of my existence. I do mean I will pay anything for a pair of slacks, khakis, shorts, or jeans that fit correctly. I suffer from what is affectionately called whale tail, isn't that cute...NOT! Because my hips, butt, and thighs are a tad on the meaty side I can never find pants that fit. Even when I was thinner than I am now in my 20s, I had the same issue because my butt and hips ain't going nowhere no matter how much weight I lose or gain. Yes, I am curvy vuluptous so I buy a size 14 pants but the waist is always too big. Now I've heard that maybe I should take them to the tailor to have them altered but really I'd have to take every pair of pants I own and some of those I'd end up paying a tailor more to alter the pants than I paid for the pants. Why can't anyone just make pants for women who have butts? I can't be the only woman complaining about this. Pants seem to be made for women who are shaped like Tide boxes, really that's not how the majority of women are shaped. Most of us black and white women have hips and some kind of behind, albeit some are smaller than others. Too bad for those girls.

Recently my favorite pair of pants I bought many moons ago from the Gap started to show wear and tear, by that I mean a hole was coming into the seat of the pants. I really loved those pants, they fit great so I wore them often. They were a nice pair of dressy or casual cigarette black pants. I adored them because it's so hard for me to find a nice pair of pants that fit when I do, I'll wear them out. Well I was saddened and dismayed by this turn of events so I went on the hunt to find a replacement pair. Mind you, I have several pair of black pants but these I really did love the way they fit and looked, perfect in all the right places. I bought a pair online, I should know better than to buy a pair of pants online by now I got them and they fit terrible. I found a pair at Target, they were okay but I still wasn't feeling the love. So last Friday, I'm on a shopping spree picking up things for my wedding, undergarments, bought Matt a nice tie for his suit at Nordstrom, you know perusing. I came upon my pants while in the Gap, again, buying a t-shirt. Oh, sweet baby jesus, I was so happy after these many years they were selling those pants. I got my size, took them home and viola they fit just great as the last pair. Joy has come to Eugenia in her pants shopping. I bought them and didn't even check the price. I could care less when it comes to pants, I will pay anything. I happily bought two, mind you two pair, of Magic Johnson's wife Cookie's CJ jeans and shelled out $250 bucks to do it like nothing. I love those jeans, they are still my two favorite pair and they always fit correctly with no gaps in the back and hug my curves like a baby's mama. I'm planning on going back to buy another pair asap. I would like to know why I have to be willing to give up my first born to get a pair of pants that fit correctly but I'm thinking that I'll figure it out. So I go on in my quest to find the perfect pants to fit my perfect curves. Oh well, it's the price I pay for being curvy vuluptous.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Sometimes...You Need to Listen to What is Said and Not Said

I know people like to talk, I'm one of those people. I really do like to talk and women on average use about 16,000 more words a day than men. We can talk, we talk about emotions, feelings, we gossip, we talk funny stuff, we talk sad stuff but we as women and men neglect to do is listen. Most people don't listen to a thing you say, I'm guilty of that too. Most of the time when people are talking to me I'm thinking I really don't care. The other part of this is that many people aren't listening more than they're waiting to talk. Listening is a lost skill in this world of narcissitic self-involvement. The reason we twitter, facebook, and blog is because we love talking about ourselves and we want someone to listen. We love it so much we've dedicated whole websites to self-involvement and promotion. Now you may disagree but after having been a paralegal for 10 years, I'll tell you one thing that I definitely learned. People love to talk, you set them up and they'll knock them down. As a paralegal one of the most important jobs was to listen to people and when I say listen I don't mean just hear them but to actively listen. Which means you take in their words, dissect them, make conclusions and go from there. Most people are dying to tell you their story but some people just want to hide the no so good parts. In law it's lying by omission and to me not saying something is just like outright lying about something. It's not different, not mentioning that you're marrying is just like lying about being married. I've been wanting to write this blog for awhile because as women we are notorious for not listening the things that men say and don't say to us. We live in perpetual fantasy of inferring what we think men mean when they say things or don't say things. Most men when they first meet women are trying to put their best foot forward or at least the foot they want you to see. This means he's telling her only the good parts of him, which I can certainly understand until you move forward in your relationship no one need know all your dirty laundry. But in those first couple of meetings, dates or phone calls you can glean quite a bit about a man without him ever knowing that he's giving up information. When I had clients I wanted them to tell me everything, I worked in defense and the one thing you didn't want in a defense strategy was for opposing counsel to pop up with some news about your client you had not knowledge of.

Well, how does active listening begin on the dating scene first of all it begins with you. In a past blog called 'Sometimes...Well All the Time, You Have to Know What You Want' I talked about how women who are out in the dating world should know what they want and be specific about it. Now if you don't know what you want, how do you know what you're actively listening for? Now all women want different things when it comes to relationships, so those are your parameters to set up as you see fit. Knowing what you desire in a mate, is a great way to eliminate those that don't cut the mustard. Now figuring out if a man is cheap or car-less or whatever may be pretty easy but the deeper issues he may have may be harder to find out. I'm going to say this, if you don't like asking questions this may not be for you. Because you'll have to ask questions and I don't mean grilling under the hot lights like on Law & Order but you need to be okay with asking questions, many times benign questions will get you the information you need. You want to be as nice as possible when you ask the questions, you want the person to feel comfortable and relaxed about revealing things. Don't react negatively when they say negative things, just let them talk, if you react negative they'll shut down completely. Now I'm going to give this example, I was looking for someone that was close to their family. Family is important to me and really it's hard to date/mate with someone who is not close to their family when you are, they may not understand your close relationships and may resent them, my ex-husband did. So I needed someone that was very close to their family because I'm very close to mine. So I ask questions about their family, now you may get all kinds of answers 'they live in Arizona but I go back to see them as much as possible' or 'they live here in Seattle but we don't see one another that much'. I always ask about brothers and sisters not just parents, people may see their parents but issues with brothers and sisters is sure sign to me of family issues. I don't like family drama, so I needed to steer clear. If you're concerned about a man's money habits you may bring up a recent shopping trip you had, you may get a reaction of 'oh yea what did you buy?' You say what you bought and see how he reacts, he may look confused or agitated which may mean he doesn't like spending money on frivolous things. He may tell you he doesn't shop much, he's got everything he needs in his closet which may mean he's cheap. He may tell you all about all the things he's bought over the recent weeks trying to brag about his money but to me that just means he likes bills way too much and is little too loose with his bread. It depends on what you want in the man to know how to read the signals. Watch the man's eyes, his hands, if he laughs at things nervously, and always watch if he's about to say something but stops quickly and starts to say something else, I guarantee he's lying. But I'll tell you this, DO NOT ignore signals. A man that may be divorced talking about his ex is in too negative or too positive tone means trouble for you, hit the ground running. Don't start thinking that if he had your love he'd forget all about her, you're fooling yourself. Also be ready to ask follow-up questions if you're looking for clarification or better understanding, don't let things go that are bothering you when the guy answers. You need to be quick with follow-up questions and non-threatening. Much of this depends on you being non-threatening.

Another indicator is the family dynamic. If you ever meet the family. I don't think people, men or women, get that when you meet the family on some level you're being introduced to a part of the person you date. Now this may not happen till much later but it shouldn't be more than a couple of months. If he won't introduce you to his family I'd be wary. That means he thinks something is wrong with you that they won't approve or something is wrong with his family which is even worse. But if you do get the chance to meet his family observe how they interact with one another. Watch the way his father treats his mother, believe me that's the way he'll be treating you. So when I met Matt's family and noticed that his father adores his mother, that was a good sign that Matt would treat me in a like manner. Watch the dynamic among brothers and sisters, if they have any, tension in those relationships is not good. Also please know that his friends are a reflection of him especially if he spends a significant amount of time with them.

The things I learned I learned from working as a paralegal and questioning people for so long, but you there are tons of books out there on the subject of 'reading people'. Now can I guarantee this will work all the time, heck no, but I can guarantee that if you ask questions you can make some inferences from the answers and really that's all you have. Unless he's a really nice guy that meets your standards you may never go the distance to find the whole truth about him. But I believe that God gave us instincts for a reason, listen to them.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Chris Evans

Yowza! I'm trying to keep it together, keep it together but this boy is hot! He's setting my screen on fire, the beautiful blue eyes, the brooding stare, look at them lips and that chiseled body. I can set my dinner plate on those abs! Good gravy, I think I just an orgasm. Listen, tomorrow Captain America, The First Avenger comes out and really I could care less. I really love comic book movies but I wasn't dying to see this one, I didn't really want to watch the Fantastic Four either but hold on because his fine ass is in both of them and in his new movie his body is looking like pop n' fresh muffins. Yes, I will be going but only with a girlfriend, I couldn't make Matt suffer through me slightly drooling on him over Chris Evans. What can I say, his body and face are just screaming 'please hurry and come sin with me!' Yea I'm all over it, Chris Evans.

I Get the Bad Feeling that Some Women Think Quantity Equals Quality

Now before you jump me, I am not telling women to hang out with the broke loser that doesn't have a job, never had a job, no car and doesn't have a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of. But I have read some recent blog posts and it still seems to me that black women are not understanding that quantity does not always mean quality. There is a long list of things that go into being a quality man and yes, smart women marry for money and love but that's not what I'm noticing. What I am noticing is black women who have been in relationships with sorry black men, the users among us, have now decided that if a non-black man has a good job, education, a house and car, he's golden. Although those things are important in a mate that does not equal a quality man. Now I have a man that has a good job, so good I can work half-time, he's got a BS in Engineering, he didn't have a house but I'm not geeked up about the house thing, but he has car that is paid for. If that's all you're requiring you got it, he's the best man ever. But for me those things aren't special, they are a requirement, that's basically the minimum you need to have a conversation with me, less known a date.

Now you all know I don't do the new to interracial folks, they are not my bag. I've done this too long and I have no patience for the silly questions about IR dating and relationships. But after reading one of my favorite blogs I notice a lot more women are coming along that seem interested in dating non-bm and are trying to get some information on how it's done. I must say it's done like all dating is done, slowly and carefully, but the thing I think some of them have been hearing is that if they meet a 'nice' non-bm, he's got a job, paying for dates, a nice car, and he looks good you got yourself a keeper. I'm not sure that's what is being said but from the comments it seems that's what is being heard. The conversation revolved around Rupert Murdoch's wife, Wendi Deng's actions while he was testifying and got smacked in the face with a shaving creme pie. Now really that's neither here nor there, personally I find the man detestable and just b/c he's wealthy it doesn't give him a pass. He's an evil man, his company did evil things, I'm quite sure he knew about it and he's only sorry now because they got caught. She, I find being his working bulldog, is classless and really on the level of any club rat that would fight over her man at a club and if the stories told are true she's a home-wrecker, twice over. There is nothing admirable about either of these people. I'd put him on the level of Donald Trump, it's just that Trump is more of a continual joke. Rich does not mean stable, nice, good provider, or man you want to marry. Now that doesn't mean a rich man cannot be all those things, many of them are and I know wealthy men that are quality men of integrity. If you find one and he likes you, run, don't walk, down the aisle if he asks you to marry him. But many of the comments from black women, whom I only assumed were not in or had never been in a interracial relationship because if they had they'd know that a man that lets his wife fight any of his battles is a not a man. But since Rupert Murdoch was a rich man that was the least she could do and she was right for stepping up and defending her husband by slapping that man. First that's just asinine, I am marrying a man that is 6'4" and 260 lbs and really it doesn't matter how big he is the point is he's his own man. I could never dream in my wildest dreams of slapping someone on his behalf, he wouldn't let me and if I did he'd probably give me the side-eye. Which I wouldn't blame him for doing, there's something sick about a man that would ever get excited or be proud about his wife fighting or slapping people. I'm sorry it is never okay.

Rich men, poor men, white men, black men can come in bad packages and if you're eyes are so dazzled by some white guy with a nice home and car and throwing around money like it's going out of style you have missed the boat on IR dating as an option. You've gone all surface and you probably did with the black men you dated and believe me you will end up with the same kind of man you had previously just different name, face and race. Finding a quality man takes some senses I think some black women are lacking or never had or something like that. That doesn't mean they can't be taught, there are tons of quality websites out there giving sound advice to black women but the point is they have to know how to process that information. Black women are processing some of this information incorrectly and I'm not saying all black women but some have seen a way to be taken care of and quality be damned! Now you can have both black women, you can have a quality man with all the quantity too. Isn't that awesome!?! You can do both but don't be fooled all the glitters is not gold. I have known of non-bm who were wealthy, well-read, educated and it was all good on paper but in real life it was nightmare. They were narcissistic, mean, inconsiderate, selfish, cheap (with the woman not with themselves), controlling, emotionally unavailable and withdrawn, manipulators, and just plain jerks. When we start talking quality we need to look at both sides of that coin, there's more to a quality man than a fat wallet.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot!-Michael Vartan

I am a Michael Vartan fan and although he's got the same first name as my ex-husband, I don't hold that against him. He is a handsome man, in the classically handsome sort of way. He was probably always good-looking and possibly the kind of guy who never thought himself good-looking. He was just too cool for that, that's what I like about him. He's got this wonderful, cool and kind of calming demeanor about himself. That sly, wry smile of his not all cheesy grinning but not the disgusting mean mug so people seem to have these days. It's as if he knows a secret joke, that he's telling himself in his head. He's very cool. Now he's a little thinner than I like my men but that's okay he's fit, it'll work for ogling. I also love the fact that this actor has had two black females as leading ladies in television shows, isn't that some kind record? You can barely get a bw/wm couple in any television show and this guy has done it, TWICE. I love him in HawthoRNe with Jada Pinkett Smith but I love her too and they make a great couple on television. I don't watch the show as half as much as I should but I do enjoy when I do. I like that their love affair is about love and not about being an interracial couple. I'll say it again to all those that haven't gotten the memo and as I said it in a previous blog called Interracial Relationships in the End are Just Relationships, our relationships are like any other and you don't spend all our time talking about being black and white. That's why I enjoy his interaction with Jada's character on the show, they show drama but not drama surrounding race. Amen and hallelujah! I wish the show much success. Ah but looking at this face, you have to know that nothing but success will follow it. Here we go, Michael Vartan.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Oh I am Not Feeling the Fisticuffs

What is this new trend of grown women fighting on reality television and I don't mean arguing I mean straight up, scrapping like sailors. I am deeply disturbed by this. I noticed it a few weeks ago, I was watching Basketball Wives which is really just a sad show on so many levels but that particular episode had two women fighting AGAIN. It's not the first time that women broke out in a full on battle royale on that show it was like the third time I believe. As I sat there I turned to Matt and he was like 'wow, what kind of people do that?' I thought to myself that Basketball Wives is one of many reality television shows where grown women, not teenagers, grown women in their 30s and 40s are fighting. Now really I would be disappointed to see young women in their early 20 and late teens fight but not surprised. Young people can sometimes be a tad silly but the grown women fighting thing is fair disturbing. I have never and I do mean never in my life seen two grown women fighting at a bar or club and I've been in some dodgy spots. Dodgy enough that even I had to think 'what the hell am I doing here?' But in all that time I have never seen two grown women fight or throw drinks in one another's face or any of that. I've seen so much of this behavior on reality television shows, I could make another  show featuring all the fights. There has been a fight on most of the Real Housewives shows, the one on the New Jersey show was legendary, Basketball Wives, Bad Girls, the Real World, and Mob Wives and at least threats of a fight on many other reality shows. It's just amazing that so many women who claim to be so classy and sophisticated would reduce themselves to throwing punches, drinks, and pulling hair with another grown ass woman. Never in my life would I fight with another woman, just never and any woman who threatened to do that I would just laugh at because it's so utterly ridiculous. I can't even do it anymore, it's not funny anymore it's become increasingly gross and sad. Ladies, and I use that term loosely, please stop cat-fighting because you look like fools.

Star's Favorite... Alcoholic Drinks-Champagne Cocktail

Last night I stayed up way too late and watched one of my favorite classic romances, An Affair to Remember with one of my dead man crushes and Lawd Have Mercy He Hot choices, Cary Grant and the beautiful red head Deborah Kerr. I love this movie, everything about it, the story, the costumes, the scenery, and the sets. It's just uber romance to me. But as I watched it there was a scene in which Cary and Deborah's characters order one of my favorite drinks, the glamorous and classic Champagne Cocktail. I do adore champagne, it is the classiest drink in the world, leaves wine in the dust for class. They order Champagne Cocktails with pink champagne,  I see characters in lots of movies from the 50s and 60s order this drink and it is an amazing drink. If you order it today at some trendy bar, they wouldn't know how to make it. You usually have to be at a place that's been around for awhile, very classy, with a older bartender. They can make them and make them well. Ordering a Champagne Cocktail at Applebee's is like ordering a Highball there, all they know is Margaritas and Sex on the Beach. Champagne Cocktail is class drink and when you order it, be ready for eyebrows to raise because I think most of the younger or even my generation have no idea what it is. So the next time you're at the local classy restaurant or bar, order yourself a Champagne Cocktail you won't be disappointed. Here's the recipe for those that would like to make them at home, it's very simple.

Champagne Cocktail
  •  1 cube sugar 
  • Angostura bitters 
  •  Chilled champagne

Soak sugar cube with a couple of good splashes of Angostura bitters and place in the bottom of a large champagne flute.

Fill slowly with sparkling wine.
Garnish with a lemon twist. 

Mmm mmm, now go and enjoy!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Marriage is Excellent for Practical Reasons too

I am a most practical, pragmatic person and have always been. Even as a child I like to weigh my options to figure out which worked best for me. I think about things before I do them most of the time, the only thing I may not be practical with is shopping. Which means shopping can get me in trouble so now I use this test, I pick up what I desire then put it down and walk away for about 10 to 15 minutes if I really have a desire for it I go back and get it, if not I push on. It's resulted in really decreasing my impractical, emotional spending. I want to talk today about my practical reasoning regarding marriage. I've heard people say before that they don't need to marry their significant other, that is true there is no NEED to do anything but be born and die. Everything in between is pretty optional but there are practical reasons for marriage. I certainly love my fiance Matt, in fact I adore him more than I've adored a man in my life. We have a beautiful relationship, full of fun, peace, joy, intimacy, and goodness. Even as I write this blog he's sending me funny and sexy texts while he works, it's the best relationship for both of us. And although really there's no emotional reason we should get married besides we love each other and want to spend our lives together. There are tons of practical ones for both of us.

Now when he asked me to marry him in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico on vacation last summer I'm sure he wasn't thinking of those practicalities, neither was I. I just knew that I loved this man and I wanted to spend the rest of my life enhancing his happiness and being his wife. But as time goes on, I find that there are tons of practical reasons for us to marry. I know marriage isn't for everyone, it just isn't I'm not trying to argue that point. I'm trying to say for all of those folks who feel that co-habitating is the same as marriage. Well, I'm here to tell you that's not true, not even close to true. This summer quarter I'm teaching a family law class and as part of my class I've learned quite a lot about marriage and some of it's wonderful practical benefits. I'm not talking about emotionally or mentally, I'm talking legally. My practical mind and body wants to be protected and marriages affords the men, women and children of those unions lots of protections. In fact according to the General Accounting Office of the United States marriage has over 1,000 duties, rights, and protections. That is a lot. Living together doesn't get you half of those even with a cohabitation agreement (yes they do exist) you can't get all the things you can get with marriage automatically. Really I think in practical terms having those 1,000 protections for the $64 you pay for a marriage license in my town is much easier than hiring a lawyer for $250 an hour to haggle out a contract with someone you're living with and you still don't get as much. Many people point to common law marriage and that's true, common law marriage still exists and unlike what many people believe those jurisdictions that recognize it have no time limit regarding when it begins. But the number of jurisdictions that recognize common law marriage is only 9 and the federal government may not recognize it in some cases. So any benefits that a married person gets under federal law, people in common law marriages may not receive. It's called federalism. When I extol the practical virtues of marriage it's not because I want people who I feel are living in sin to not live in sin. Not at all, it's because I want people to know, especially women who are bearing a lot of brunt of living with and playing wife to a man who can get up and get out of Dodge any time he sees fit and leave her with kids and debt, they need to think of their protection. I have a scenario from my text book Family Law for the Paralegal: Concepts and Applications by Mary E. Wilson which kind of sums what I mean that in practical terms marriage is deeper than just emotion and the supposed 'piece of paper' people seem to want to rail against all the time.

Imagine having lived with a man for five years in a committed, monogamous relationship that you both intend to 'last forever'. Imagine going to pick him up at an airport and being greeted by airline personnel who advise you that he experienced a heart attack midair and is being rushed to a hospital emergency room. You race to the hospital and the first question you are asked is 'Are you a family member?' And that is only the beginning of a series of painful events with devastating consequences. You cannot be admitted to see him in intensive care (even worse his family hates your guts and won't allow you to see him). You cannot be advised of his condition due to federal privacy regulations, and you cannot consent to his medical treatment, although you know his wishes. You cannot write checks on his bank account to pay his obligations. If he dies, you have no say in the funeral and burial arrangements, and yet only you know what he would want. You cannot enter the home where you lived together, because when it was purchased by the two of you, if was put in his name only. You cannot access his safety deposit box, even though you have valuable personal property in it. You cannot inherit through him if he dies without a will, because you have no legally recognized interest in his estate. The two of you are, in effect, legal strangers. (Wilson, pp. 118-19)

When I read that scenario I thought about my own impending marriage and in practical terms how it protects both Matt and I. Why do people think gay people want the right to marry so bad, they want the benefits that go along with it. That scenario above is scary but it's true in the case of cohabitation and I don't want people to fool themselves into thinking it's the same as marriage, IT IS NOT. I'm not pushing marriage for anyone who doesn't want to do it, I'm just putting the facts out there so you know what you're getting yourself into possibly. Now in most of those above cases you could have done something legally that may have protected you as one of the cohabitation entities. But with my little piece of paper in the above case, it looks like this. 

  • As the wife when I show up to the hospital I am immediately told of my husband's conditions.
  • I make all the decisions regarding his care with no interference from his family if I choose.
  • I have access to his bank account and safe deposit box as per the law.
  • I have full and final say in his burial arrangements.
  • In my state it's community property so I automatically get to stay in our home and it's transferred into my name automatically, no spouse can buy property in this state alone unless the other spouse signs a waiver.
  • Even without a will Probate Code gives me the right be first in line for any of his estate and essentially I get everything. 
Now you could go to the lawyer and have medical directives made, agreements done, and wills made out (which most people don't do anyway) and pay him a couple of thousand bucks to do it. But you still won't be as protected as me automatically as a legal spouse for only $64 bucks. In practical terms, that makes sense to me. We can argue all we want whether this is fair or not, that's not the point, this is what it is right now. I'll take this deal any day and because I love him so much I'm more than glad to take it. Although I don't ever think of divorcing him I have divorced someone and even then I was more protected more than just the 'see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!' scenario of some couples living together. It's something to contemplate. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

What You Looking At?

I'm not a confrontational person by nature, now if you say something to me that doesn't sound right believe me I will say something back. Usually in my sarcastic way that makes people feel about 2 feet tall as they should for letting stupid crap come out their mouths. I don't regularly notice people paying attention to me, I've a wonderful gift for ignoring people so most of time others are never on my radar. But I've noticed something lately and I don't know what to make of it. I'm not a booster when it comes myself, I don't think I'm particularly anything super special. I'm an average attractive woman but so are most of the women in the world. So when I walk into a room I'm not ever thinking all eyes are on me. But here lately I've noticed something as Matt and I are out and about hanging out in bars and restaurants. I see white couples, a male and female and then all of a sudden when the white woman spots me she's all over her boyfriend/husband. I don't notice this in all white females just those around my age or older. Matt and I were at one of new favorite spots in Edmonds called Rory's and we sat down around a common fire pit in the middle of the floor containing about eight seats, there was just one couple there, a white man and woman. It was obvious they were together but it wasn't like they were being particularly affectionate. When Matt and I sat down I noticed her cut her eyes at me, why I have no idea. I figured it was because I was with this big handsome Swede but I'm not sure. Then all of a sudden she was all over the man, she nuzzled up close, started touching him and rubbing on him. As if to say this is mine, stay away. Now I'm not sure why she would think I wanted her man. He wasn't particularly handsome and I have a man, one I love and adore. No need for her to piss her man's leg so I wouldn't run off with him. I've noticed this on a couple of other occasions. At first I thought maybe it was just me, I was tripping but after awhile it happened so often I started to think am I threatening to these women. Now this doesn't happen if I'm just out with a friend, it only happens when I'm out with Matt. Maybe I'm tripping and still tripping but I notice patterns and I was wondering, what the hell was this is about. The woman is eyeing me like I'm going to put her man in a Svengali trance and he'll run away with me. All I ever think is 'what are you looking at?' I have a man, I have no interest in someone else's man. It's just been really strange. I was wondering has this happened to another woman in a bw/non-bm couple? Because if I'm only one this has happened to, maybe I'm just boosting myself. Which I have no intention of doing. I'm just putting this out there so I can figure out if maybe I'm just being paranoid. Because this is starting to getting weird.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Plagiarist Have Found a Home

I wanted to put a link up to an article by a wonderful blogger and great author Tracy Ames. Tracy is giving some information especially for you out there who may write on free story sites like Literotica like myself. It seems people have decided to steal stories from the site and present them as their own and publish them using the Kindle. Amazon smarmy ass is trying to protect themselves in this obvious thievery, low lives but people are passing someone else's writings off as their own. I think it sucks and I think we all need to be careful of what we buy via our Kindles, I love having the app it's great but I don't want to give my money to thieves. Here is the article for more information Plagiarism is the New Black, please give Amazon a piece of your minds. I'm so damn sick on corporations, they're getting on my last ass nerve.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Lawd Have Mercy, He Hot and Sweet!-Jason Bateman

OMG! Oh Jason Bateman, my fantasy first boyfriend and husband. I've loved him long time, really I have. Since middle school when I first was burgeoning into my womanhood and figured out that boys were more than an annoyance, they were cute. Yes when he was Derrick on 'Silver Spoons' next to also cute Rick Schroeder. Oh, how I loved the annoying jerk that was Derrick. Then when he grew up and was on 'Valerie's Family' and I saw that just like me he had grown up and come into his full hotness. Oh bejesus, he is so cute to me. He is the quintessential 'boy next door', the hottie that don't bask in their hotness, the humble, sweet, funny guy that was cute when you were young and now so smokin' hot he's leaving burn marks wherever he goes. The perfectly mussed brunette hair, just itching for your fingers to run through it, those gorgeous eyes that are mesmerizing, he's a bit of undercover Svengali. But the best part is, I don't think he realizes how incredibly handsome he is or if he does it makes no difference to him. I know he's a family man with a wife and kids and lucky bastards that they are. But I've always love Jason and he's so funny, I'm so glad his star is shining again he certainly deserves it. I'm actually looking forward to seeing him in Horrible Bosses, looks like my kind of dark and crazy sense of humor in a movie.

Jason if you ever see this, I'd just like to let you know that I really have always loved you. You really are the ideal white boy and out of all my movie star crushes maybe the closest for me to thinking we could trip across each other at the coffee shop, fall deeply in love, get married, and have babies. Yes, it's a little twisted but really he brings out the domesticated woman in me. My fantasy husband, Jason Bateman. How does Eugenia Bateman sound?

Update: It's Been Slow on Here But Fast in My Life

Hi Everyone, I'm just checking in to say no I haven't disappeared from the face of the earth but I am more busy this summer than I usually am in summertime. I have our wedding coming up in September so I'm getting things done for that wonderful event. I'm also trying to make sure I don't stress out or no one stresses me out in these last days to the wedding so I don't go completely Bridezilla. We only have 80 more days to go.

I am also working more, I used to have two classes to teach a week as an adjunct instructor, this summer I've been assigned four. So I'm working Tuesday to Friday, I love it but it does keep me busy and away from the blog. But don't worry I should be back soon with some odd observations, pearls of wisdom or weirdness and a smokin' hot guy or two. Don't give up on me, this girl's just got some life to live. See you guys!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Metrosexuals, Need Not Apply

Like most people I had my preferences when it came to men. I have certain shallow things that I find attractive in  men, them being tall, pretty eyes, nice smile, tats (although Matt doesn't have one) but you get what I'm saying. There are some things on the outer part of a man that can draw me in, they may not keep me if he's a jerk but they certainly can draw me. But one of them is not the man that is a metrosexual, uh-unh, no way Jose, can't do it. Matt as you may have noticed in pics of him is very casual, all the time. He loves cargo pants/shorts, t-shirts, his tennis shoes, and simple hair cut. That's him and I like that about him, he's a simple guy. I know today many men are into the metrosexual thing, the fancy jeans, long-sleeved printed shirts, faux hawks and gelled spiky hair, the fancy dress shoes and many women like that questionable look from men. I am not one of them. Any man that spends more time in the mirror, at the hairdresser, or on his face and nails than I do was not my type of man. Really men should be able to shower, shave, comb his hair and throw some clothes on in about 30 minutes and that's giving him a lot of time. I can't stand some of the stuff I see guys in, younger guys I get they're young and don't know know better. But I've seen men in their 40's with them fruity jeans on that have design stitching on the pocket. Good gravy! Really...the only jeans a man should wear are Levi's and maybe Old Navy but no designs on the pocket. Levi's is the only jean manufacturer that didn't follow that tacky trend and that's why I love Levi's. No dress shirts with buttons open and designs all over them and for God's sake, no Ed Hardy! I'd beat my man senseless if he ever appeared to me in Ed Hardy. I'm a simple kind of woman myself, my tastes in clothing is pretty simple. Guys to me look more like guys when they keep it simple. Even in a suit, which is not something Matt wears frequently, I like that he's keeping it simple. A basic grey suit for our wedding with a blue shirt and blue tie and black shoes. No suit in colors not seen in nature, no Now n' Later gators, just simple and classic. That's the look I like from men simple and classic. He's got a basic short haircut, that I can run my hands through and not ruin and not get goop all over my fingers. I love that about his hair, it's wash and go, simple and classic. I think all the dolling up should be women's exclusive property, where men should fear to tread.

Monday, June 13, 2011

'Braxton Family Values' Teaches Black Women a Valuable Lesson

I watch 'Braxton Family Values' on WE tv regularly, I actually really like the show. If you haven't seen it, it's a reality show with superstar Toni Braxton's family, she has four sisters of which she is the oldest and it also focuses on  their relationship with each other and their individual households. Toni and her sisters, Trina, Traci, Tamar and Towanda all are having issues and their own personal struggles as well as the dynamic of being sisters. Now I have no sisters, I'm the only girl in my family with three brothers. It makes me a little spoiled but I kind of like not having sisters and watching Braxton Family Values makes me kind of glad I don't have any sisters. Although they love each other dearly and their mom who's also on the show, Evelyn, it seems that as most people there are probably not always feeling sisterly love.

As much as I love the show in recent episodes I've noticed something very distinct that the sisters have in common, even Tamar the only one in a half-decent marriage has it. They have all picked atrociously in regards to the men in their lives, even their father was a bad pick for their mother. Their mother, Evelyn, had never dated anyone but their father as she said 'he was my first everything' which is a tad scary. Their father was a minister and while he was very religious he was not very Christian and had a nine year affair while married to their mother at the end of their almost 30 year marriage and when he divorced her within a month was married to the other woman. Now tomorrow night is the finale and Dad will finally make an appearance after standing all the girls up when they went to Maryland, their birthplace, in the last episode. That being said, it occurred to me that their mother not having a clue how to pick a man has passed that on to Toni and her sisters. Toni and her ex are now separated and she is going through a bankruptcy, he seems less than supportive of her and their two boys. Trina's husband is a bit of philander and she's having issues with alcohol. Towanda and her husband are separated but still living in the same house 'for the children's sake' but he's dating other people and she's the only one working and paying bills. I really must say this is the most egregious of them all, I wonder what she thinks she's teaching her children about marriage and fathers and mothers. They have a little boy and girl, they are passing on the sad lesson that even in misery you need to stay together. Children are very aware of how miserable their parents are, they are sensitive to that and really the best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. That situation is lunacy on another level. Traci is stuck in Maryland still and wants to be closer to her family but her husband resents her family relationships. He also does what he likes, takes excellent care of himself while he doesn't do that so much with Traci. Tamar is married to a record executive and although he seems to love her, she's a lot to bear and I'm thinking he only wanted her as a trophy wife and she's not wanting to fulfill that role.

While I noticed this and I wonder if any of them have noticed that their mother had no wisdom about picking men, so they each had no wisdom about picking men. They are each beautiful women who I think like many black women are convinced that only a black man will do instead of only a good man will do. As much as I love the show and Tamar's .com quotes every few minutes it saddens me that their many black women who are getting this same information in our society. Instead of telling their girls they are worthy of the best man, black girls are being told that no one will ever get you but a black man and black men are the only men who appreciate and love black women. And as young and old black women, we take any man because their is no wisdom behind the decision and in a lot of cases like some of the Braxton sisters we are stuck and can't figure out how to get out a bad marriage or we're picking up the pieces of the bad decision we made along with our kids. And although Trina's husband is Hispanic, she still picked poorly and the disaster shows. This is not about not picking black men and picking other men, this is about not picking bad men and picking good men. If there is no one there to show you the difference you can end up in trouble. Now people end up trouble even with the best advice from mothers by not listening, I was one of those people. But if you have five girls and all of them have chosen fairly poorly, somebody missed a lesson and it was probably mom.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Dollar That Makes No Sense

What the hey is going with the church? I'm asking this question but there probably is no answer to it besides people have decided to follow people instead of God and God has left the building because of the foolishness. I've followed some the stuff with the Eddie Long pedophile case and yes he is a pedophile, he needs to be locked up to serve a sentence and needs some mental help. No one sends photos like that to impressionable young men and calls himself a man of God, that thought is disgusting in and of itself. Jesus protected the innocent, he didn't exploit them for His own sexual pleasure. Now we have the smarmy Creflo Dollar coming out to defend him, asking Long's parishioners to forgive him and not to leave his church. Personally if my Pastor had been accused of trying to molest boys and then settled the case for millions of dollars, I would be running from the pew as fast my legs could carry me. I have no idea what is going on with supposed believers, we're just believing anything but the word of God. Just because he got up there and preached for some years does not mean he is, was or ever will be a man of God. Devil sits in the church, the pulpit, on the deacon board and in the choir just like the Christians do. I wonder how many Christians realize that, probably only the ones that have some discernment which as I look around looks like not many.

I'm a Christian it's not something I throw in people's face but it's also not something I hide. I have another wonderful gift from God, it's called discernment which means I can tell shenanigans when I see them. Mr. Long is a man, like most men he is faulty, ego-driven, and probably a little power hungry. We set ministers up in churches like they are gods, then they become our gods, our idols, we forget about God, doing His will, reading His words, trusting and obeying Him and we start trusting and obeying a fool who has feet of clay then we're so devastated when we find that fact out. I was betrayed once by a Pastor, not in sexual way but I worked for a Pastor many years ago who decided she needed a convenient scapegoat since she wasn't doing her job as the Pastor and choose me. Church hurt is some the most damaging and worst hurt in the world, it goes along with the betrayal of a spouse or family member. For some people it is difficult to overcome and for many, they never overcome it. You have a high-calling when you are to serve God's people, one the highest and when you betray that by exploiting people and then feign innocence, yes there is a special place in hell just for you. I've made some comments on different sites today talking about this issue and someone had commented that 'we shouldn't mess with God's annointed' HA! Whatever, no one and I mean no one is annointed to molest children, where has our mind gone as supposed Christians that we don't even recognize right from wrong.

You know today was one of those days I held my head in my hands. As a black woman when I'm in public and there is a group of rowdy or rude black people, I always feel a sense of shame. I know I shouldn't but I do because all I'm ever thinking is 'please Lord don't let these other people standing here watching and listening to these fools think I'm part of this foolishness'. That's the way I feel about this situation with Dollar and Long, as a Christian I don't want people to think that Christians are okay with this foolishness, that we aren't as disgusted about this mess as anyone else is. I feel a sense of shame and some people don't realize that sometimes the things we do hurt God and this is definitely one of those times. I know people are wondering, why doesn't God do something? But if you know God, like I do you know God can't involve Himself in anything that is not of him. He still lets us have free will, he doesn't punish us per se because when we make evil choices, especially consciously make them, we will be punished there is nothing else that can happen. Evil cannot and will not be rewarded, ever. Mr. Long has much suffering to do, certainly people can forgive him but it behoove them not to forget, it also doesn't mean he is somehow exempt from being punished. I have a huge faith in God and I also love my own Pastor but I don't take everything my Pastor says on faith, blind faith is lazy faith and if you're not reading your bible for yourself, your walk with God is in trouble. My prayer is that those victimized by Mr. Long can heal and not leave God, leaving Long's church is what people need to do but I would pray that they don't leave God. But you know what, if they do I'm not at all surprised.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Small Weddings and My Fear of Bridezilla

Matt and I have changed our minds on what type of wedding to have a million times, I must say we both are sometimes indecisive people. It sometimes riles my nerves that people have so many opinions regarding our wedding but aren't really willing to help in any significant way and most definitely are not giving any funds to it. The funds part is fine, there is still a recession going on and folks are watching their pennies.  My family is not independently wealthy nor is Matt's family so we're doing this the way a lot of couples do their weddings nowadays, we're doing it ourselves. Now doing it ourselves really means neither us have a lot of time to do planning, Matt is busy working, I'm busy working and really I'm just not the party/wedding planning kind of gal. I know many women have dreamed of their wedding day but I'm not that woman. I knew I wanted to get married, I just wasn't all hyped up about a wedding. As a practical person all I see with big weddings is dollar signs and bills. I've known people take out $25, 000 loans for a wedding. Are you freaking kidding? It's tough enough to start a marriage but starting with $25K in debt is just stupid. So we've made a final decision with 96 days to go, it's actually the decision we should have made in the first place and the one I suggested. As much as I'd like to have a wedding with a ton of people invited, we can't reasonably afford it and since no one is offering any monetary help we do what we need to do. The wedding is just a small part to me, the marriage is way more important and we refuse to go into any kind of debt for a wedding. So we're doing small family ceremony, no attendants, we did have those for a minute but that's out now and then just dinner at a restaurant we like, where everyone can pay for their own meal. My best friend is giving us a pre-celebration party in August but that's about it. I'm more excited about being married to Matt than I'll ever be about some damn wedding. But I have a dress, he's buying a nice suit and we're gonna look good up there saying our vows. So the only thing I have to buy is his ring, my shoes, something for my hair, and maybe jewelry but I'm thinking I have some beautiful jewelry hiding in my jewelry box just have to dig around and find it. Then after that we are off to Oregon for our honeymoon at Edgefield McMenimin's resort.

I'm glad we're doing this, it relieves the stress of planning something out. I hate planning. I watched 'Bridezillas' over the weekend and I'm just saying  you guys, that show frightens me a little. I don't want to be that wound up my last week before the wedding, I do not want to be that girl. I think it's the need for perfection and family stress that makes these folks so goddamned bitchy. The best part, since all I'm worried about is marrying the man I love and all he's worried about his marrying me we can skip the wedding drama-land. The most wonderful thing about Matt and I is in most things we are of like-mind. It makes working these things out with him so very easy.