Search This Blog

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sometimes...Well All the Time, You Have to Know What You Want

I've seen many comments from women on blogs and boards saying they wish they had someone in their life, nothing specific about who the someone should be just that they wish they had 'someone'. I've been told that 'boy, I sure wish I had someone like Matt'. Although I find that a great compliment to the man he is, I'm often baffled as to why anyone would want someone exactly like him. Matt and I are perfect together but Matt certainly isn't perfect and neither am I. Although he's a wonderful guy for me and fits my personality and needs he would probably make a lot of women crazy. When I married my ex-husband I was fairly young mid-twenties and I had absolutely no idea what I wanted in another human being when it came to relationships. A lot of that had to do with me not knowing who I was, if I'd taken some time to get know me better I probably would have made a better choice than him. But I picked him and I take full credit for doing so wholeheartedly. When I picked him it was just because he was pick-able and if I had known more about Eugenia it may have been different. When I hear women say they want to be someone, they'd like to have love in their lives I can certainly understand the feeling but I wonder if most women know what they want.

When I met Matt, I knew what I wanted and I was very sure of what I didn't want. Now my list of wants was not long, it was very short but those were things that if the man didn't possess it was deal-breaker and there would be no more dates. I also had what I called my compromise list, those were things that were not important that I could consider a compromise on if other aspects were there. The deal breaker list contained things like, he had to compassionate, not cheap, college-educated, close to his family. The compromise list consisted of things that he may have needed but it didn't need to spectacular, I wanted someone who was financially secure but he didn't have to be rich, he needed to have a car but I didn't need it to be a BMW. Those sorts of things. But for me to find what I wanted or be drawn to what I wanted I had to know what I wanted. I also had to have something to offer.

Now, I'm going to say something that some folks may get mad about but you cannot expect to date/marry a person who has their ish together and you don't it doesn't work like that. If a man who supposedly has himself together wants a women who doesn't, he is either don't have his stuff together or is looking for someone he can rule over and treat badly. There's a reason men play Captain Sav-A-Ho and it ain't good. If you really have something to bring to the table, your own goals and dreams real men are impressed. Even if you marry someone who at some point in your relationship you and he make the decision for you to be a stay at home mom. If you never work again a day in your life, my thought is that a successful man wants to know that you could. That you possess some sort of talent and skill. You, as a woman, who is seeking a life partner need to know what you want from that partnership, which means you need to know who you are. If you don't know you, how do you know what you want? I know some people are put off by doing an almost mock interview when you first date people but why not, there's no way for me to get information if I don't ask for it. And most people love talking so much, they'll tell you things that they don't even know they are telling you. I'll be doing a blog later about how to get information out of people without them actually knowing it. I know it sounds sneaky but really as a paralegal that was big part of my job. So I listen closely to people because much can be revealed in idle conversation. I want for every wonderful woman I know to have someone worthy of them but really you have to know you're worthy for that happen. You have to really think about and I do mean be precise about your desires in a mate and never compromise that, if someone asks you to compromise those desires they are unworthy of you. But I also want to warn women not to be greedy, be realistic about your desires and who people are. My personal motto is you don't throw away a Rolls Royce because it's got a dent in it, no one is perfect and some stuff we just have to live with. So don't waste your time trying to change someone, if you can't work with him how he is, don't work with him at all. I want women to understand that there is someone perfect for them but they have to know what they want before that perfect someone will manifest himself.


  1. So when my friends ask me why I don't date every guy that asks, I am going to refer them to this! There are so many factors that go into being with someone. And it's like people don't get it! We have to take the time to get to know people and when it doesn't work, be mature enough to cut your losses and move on. Don't try and force it. Love this!

  2. Looking forward to your blog about getting information out of people without them knowing it! :-)

  3. Zabeth, I was hoping to write that sooner rather than later but now that I was suddenly moving it may not be written till May. That's a serious post and I don't want to treat it lightly. But thanks for popping in and look for the post sometime in May.