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Sunday, February 6, 2011

Online Dating-It's A Jungle In There

I met Matt online when I started to date again after not dating for over 12 years I was completely lost. I met my ex via a blind date, so I was kind of used to the 'old fashioned' way get out there and meet people live and in person. So when I started on this journey again and was introduced to 'online dating' I was in an absolute fog, I didn't know what to do and what I learned was from trial and error. But I want black women to know that this a viable option in dating, don't not do it but don't just use this as your only dating option. Getting out and meeting people live is still the best way to meet people and get to know them. There are no stats on how many people date online, find long-term relationships online or get married from online dating but the thought is alot because a lot of people use it. Now I know there was some controversy not too long ago about a survey done by OKCupid, which is not a site I frequent or had heard of before all the controversy saying that black women for most non-black men, but especially white men, were like their last choice in dating options online. Now, really I wasn't upset as some people were, some people seem to go batshit crazy over the survey. Personally I take most surveys with a grain of salt, things have a way of being skewered and it takes a lot of hard work  and attention to detail to not unconciously slant a survey. Personally, I don't think OKCupid was doing that kind of detailed work. However, I can believe that black women would be a last choice for non-bm, why you ask? Because black women are not real hot on dating IR and as many men would like to date us I'm sure they've given up due to unresponsiveness and our sometimes outright hostility to non-bm by black women. So why would any man put himself out there to risk rejection with a group of women he's probably positive don't want to date him. Personally, I wouldn't do it. But that's really another subject for another post. What I am saying while folks were running around, falling down in the street at the news that you're last in the dating pool, wow is that actual news? I was thinking, who the eff cares, I knew that 20 years ago that ain't news. Even more what am I supposed to do about it, most women want one man, not all men. So really with amount of black women that are willing to date IR, which is minute at best, you probably have a good chance of meeting a great non-bm who will date and marry you. I'm just saying the odds are with you, even though a lot of wm may be looking at you last, don't mean they're not looking at you at all.

Now on to online dating, first and foremost it's just kind of unnatural it's almost like going down a caferteria line. You see all the choices, some look good, some don't, but it's fast and furious and when you pick something you're not real sure whether you're actually going to like till you sit down and press your fork into it. Then you come to the conclusion that it looked good and tasted good or it looked good and tasted awful or maybe it didn't look that great but the taste is so much better. I don't care what people say in those profiles, please take it all with a 'grain of salt' because for everyone including you, this is a sales job. I'm just going to quote from Chris Rock because I think it's apropos in this instance 'when you meet people, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative'. And ladies I hate to tell you this but no man is looking at what you wrote in your profile to figure out whether he wants to date you. Men are visual, he's looking at your pictures, if he's attracted to those he'll make a move. I asked Matt did he read my profile and decide he wanted to date me, he told me 'no' he looked at my photos and thought I was cute. 'Nuff said. That's men, sorry they just ain't that deep. I wish some women would stop acting like they are. So I say if you are going to put up a profile, put your best pictures on there and please make them current (no more than six months old). There is nothing that irked me more than to show up on a date and meet someone who looks nothing like the photo. I call that lying by omission but it's still a lie and why lie about something so stupid, the guy or girl is eventually going to meet you and see what you really look like. The 10 year old photo of you 25 lbs lighter or with all your hair is not going to impress when you show up looking like the flipside of it.

There's another thing to be prepared for and I think some people are going to have issues with this, just saying. Rejection, yes the dreaded 'R' word and I'm not talking about rejection on a small level, it's rejection on a big level. Now I've spoken of this before in my blog Sometimes...Rejection is a Good Thing, I know it's not easy. Black women sometimes have been rejected by so many in their community and family, so no one is really looking to go back and visit there. But you have to understand the mathematics involved in this, men are more in control of this portion of the process, they get to make the initial choice You control whether he's going to go any further on that path. So if he's talked to or winked at, 50 women (because believe me most men play odds) and 25 respond in some way, you're number 22 on that line-up but number 3 also responded, you're about to be rejected. Sorry, I know it's harsh but direct is better than lying telling you every man that talks to you or winks at you has fallen deep in love. You'll be rejecting some folks too, so take solace in that. It's odds when it comes to romance, the more people you talk to, the better your odds you'll get more yes's and find someone that suits your needs. Now, if you're sensitive maybe 'online dating' ain't for you, the sensitive will be torn to bits but 'online dating' can be a bit rough, yes it's a jungle in there just want to be truthful. You will probably be rejected in shorter periods of time than you ever have been in life. In real-life dating you may feel the sting of rejection maybe once or twice month, if that much but with 'online dating' it may be more but then again you may be so hot it may not happen at all.

But if you can do all that and deal with more rejection in a shorter periods of time, you'll be okay and this may be useful for you. Another one of my tips is to meet the guy asap, I'm always very suspect of any man that needs a month of chatting over the phone or internet before he an meet. Really, there is only way to figure out whether you got some chemistry, you have to meet people. That needs to be as soon as you can, so either you can move forward or move on. Any man that keeps you hanging for too long is playing the okey-doke with you and got you playing cheerleader while he's wining and dining a bunch of other women. If a guy can't meet you within a week, I'd recommend you move on. Because unless he lives out of town, he should have the capability to meet you sooner rather than later. That's also a subject to talk about, you really do have a chance of meeting more men if you widen your regional circle. Now if you really don't want to waste any time with a guy in another city, don't do it. But your odds are much better of meeting a great non-bm if you go beyond your city but know this may mean you may be moving to or visiting the likes of Cedar Rapids, Iowa or Turkey if things get hot and heavy. Make sure your passport is in order.

I say after my adventures in online dateland, it was interesting and at points went from the sublime to the ridiculous. I met a guy who was very cute but when I spoke to him on the phone he had the most weird, annoying laugh ever, he had no chance. I'd be suspect of any photo that is not full body because I once just went by a cute face and body so big, all I could think was this guy is at some point in his was going to lifted from his bed by a forklift. I was mad at myself for that one, I learned to get more photos. Another guy who gave photos that he didn't look anything like anymore, he also didn't own a car and only got around by bicycle. Now, I don't have anything against guys that cycle but you need a car to pick me up at some point. I learned to ask more detailed questions. Also I'd warn any woman not to let a date from online dating site pick you up at your house, meet him somewhere neutral and have your own car and try to use valet parking, that's just for your safety girl. I also say just be honest if there is no spark, no one likes to be lead on, just say whether you're feeling them or not. I know people don't like to be confrontational but no one likes their time wasted either. At least have the courtesy, whether you're the guy or girl to be honest about whether you're feeling them or not. I also want to say, there's barely any different between a pay site and a free site. Jokers will pay to pull the okey-doke on women and the cheap jokers will go to free sites. It depends on you doing your homework, whether you find a good man on an 'online dating' site pay or free. I met Matt on Craigslist but that's because I had my game tight.

Online dating is a great thing to add to your dating plan, it can work well if you do it well.


  1. Thanks for your honest review. I was thinking about using on-line dating as an option.

    I want a BF. But I am VERY sensitive, and so I'll probably be torn to shreds the Internet.

  2. Well I don't want to discourage you but I think forewarned is forearmed. You can do things to make sure you protect yourself and your feelings. Because I'm sensitive too. Being very definitive about what you want and what's acceptable and not acceptable to you, can help you save time and save your feelings by weeding out the unworthy. Also a lot of people want a boyfriend, but what do you want in him, what is that you're looking for, think about that very carefully. What are your deal-breakers and this just good advice for live and online dating. I think many women get online and think putting just a general description of what they want will get them more guys but really I'd rather be definitive and get less people that are quality than not be definitive and get a ton of non-quality guys or girls. I wish you luck.

  3. I heard that online dating is growing to be very big in South Africa with more and more people having access to the inter-highway. And people who did not meet before (black and whites) are hooking up that way.

    I think its a great place to meet your partner. Even if there's a chance you'll end up in a black plastic bag.

    He seems legit so take a chance :)

    But I'm not planing to use the service so what do I know lol.

  4. Yea well I think he's dropping some hints. LOL.

    But seriously using your common sense doesn't go out the window when you go online. That's why I put those safety tidbits in this article, this the wave of the future actually it's happening now. We all know about the Craigslist killer, use your brain women and you won't end up in a plastic bag, which could happen meeting people live and online.