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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sometimes...Rejection is a Good Thing

I know no one wants to be rejected, that’s not what I’m saying here. It’s rough when you’re rejected by a friend, a job, but especially by a mate or potential mate. No one looks to be rejected and most of the time we really don’t think we’re going to be rejected after that first great conversation or incredible date or those years of sacrifice in that relationship but it happens. I peruse quite a few websites about women and dating specifically about black women and dating interracially. I see quite a few women who are determined not to date until they get the sign from God. Really, as a Christian, I know God can give people signs about stuff in different ways usually a way that will speak to you specifically, but I also know God is not taking forever to give those signs all the time. Sometimes God speaks really quickly, so it always baffles and amuses me that so many of these women seemed to have been waiting a lifetime for a ‘sign’…really God has to have spoken to someone the day after they put the prayer request in. Not everyone has to stand in the line from Hades waiting for a life partner. Then again maybe you’re not just ready for a life partner, but that’s a different post. I’ve come to the conclusion that the ‘sign’ excuse by Christian and non-Christian women alike, is just an excuse for not actually wanting to get out there and date because of the fear of rejection. When I met Matt it was few months after the breakup of my marriage, once I met him and got to know him it didn’t take long for me to discern the signs that he was the one and I’d be a damn fool if I let him get away because I waiting for a lightning bolt to strike.

Rejection is part of life, an unpleasant part but there are lots of unpleasant parts of life. It’s unavoidable, I’m sorry. I’ve rejected people and been rejected before and as much as it hurts I’ve come to believe that there is good in rejection. One of the things I believe is that when things happen, that was what was supposed to happen, even bad things. You can learn from rejection but sometimes rejection is a godsend. A little before I started to date again I was watching ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ with Patti Stanger, she really does have a lot of useful advice when it comes to dating and she said ‘rejection is God’s protection’. It’s kind of simple-sounding but I think it’s true. We’re sometimes so heartbroken and tore up about rejection but if you think of it as ‘oh boy, I just dodged that bullet’. It can be a little better, yes you’ll still be hurt but you’ll get over it. So after listening to that mantra from Patti every time I went on a date with a guy and if he rejected me I was okay.

Before I met Matt, I’d been kind of seeing a guy a little when all of sudden he just kind of flipped the script and went totally weird on me. I figured it was because he didn’t want to see me but didn’t have the balls to say so. So I stopped talking to him because he was rejecting me and I’ll be a nincompoop in Nepal before I just stand there and continually take the rejection. If I had kept pursuing him what would have happened is I would have missed out on my gem, Matt, that would have been tragic because eventually the other guy would have kicked me to the curb anyway and probably really hard and that rejection would have been worse.

I know it’s hard to fathom rejection being a good thing but sometimes it really is and we should be thankful that some relationships we never got into with certain people. I know it hurts your feelings and your ego is damaged a bit but it’s not going to kill you. There are some instances where maybe you should be learning a lesson about yourself. Maybe trying to fix what made the person reject you, maybe finding out why you wanted to be with someone like that in the first place. I was watching ‘The Soup’ the other night and Joel usually makes jokes about the lunacy on television. He was showing a clip from ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ of a woman who was the millionaire on a date with a really hot guy, the girl was overweight and I’m not cleaning it up by saying chunky, she was severely overweight and not particularly cute not because she was overweight, she just didn’t really know how to fix herself up. The guy as I said before was very handsome, model looks, they were on the date he was obviously rejecting her but didn’t want to be really mean about it although he was being a jerk. While he rejected her by saying nasty things, every time he said something she’d come back and desperately try to get him to like her. He said he was an a-hole, she said she liked a-holes. She told him she’d buy him a Maserati, give him money, after that he got a little more friendly but not by much. He asked her to do something sexual to him under the table and she complied willingly out of desperation and not wanting to be rejected. I know Joel meant to show this because he thought it was funny and he did make a joke but really it wasn’t funny it was sad and pathetic. It showed the desperate things someone will sink to just not to be rejected. We are not meant to be with everyone we have a conversation, date or even long term relationship with, sometimes those things are just for the moment and we must take them as lessons to learn from. Not every rejection is a personal slight on you; sometimes other people are just not in the right place for that relationship to flourish.

But I also want to stress not to be scared to be rejected. You just can’t sit in your home, apartment, go to work, and go to church and expect that the man or woman of your dreams is going to drop out the sky. If you’re a Christian, you need to understand that God has a job but sometimes you have a job too. You have to get out, be seen, meet people, and be available. If I had not been available to love, love would have never found me. I must say this to non-Christian black women too because they also have this thing about waiting for Mr. Right to just show up out of nowhere. You have to learn how to be in a relationship, you have to be in one to learn, which means you may be rejected. You cannot go on about ‘Oh no he didn’t. How dare that jerk reject me, don’t he know who I am’.
Yea he knows, you’re not the right woman for him and he’s not the right man for you. You also have to remember sometimes you’re going to be the one doing the rejection and you do not want someone questioning why you did it. We all as adults need to be okay if rejection happens, it’s not the end of the world. And for non-black men, who are terrified at being rejected by black women, get over it and get some balls. If you are rejected, doesn’t matter; try again because in all the no’s you will hear all you need is one yes. Just one yes.


  1. Here's my rejection story.

    In April 2008, I met a man and we hit it off instantly. He asked me to be his girlfriend within a month and I was happy to accept. I had not been in a serious relationship in almost a decade (although I dated a lot) and felt happy to finally be back in a relationship again.

    We were dunzo by October. Two days after saying he thanked God every day for putting me into his life, he said that he felt disconnected from me and didn't know where the relationship was going. WTH???

    What was really going on was that after I thought we were in agreement about the progression of our relationship, he said that he couldn't see himself ready for marriage for at least three years. This dude was like, 38, and saying this.

    I let him know that didn't work for me.

    So... I was sad at the ending of the relationship because I thought it had a lot of promise, but I didn't attempt to hold on. I accepted that we had fundamental differences and let it go.

    For the next six months, I went back to dating frequently. Met some real idiots, like the guy who proceeded to lecture me because I said I would only have sex within a committed relationship. I met some nice guys too, but they didn't call after one or two dates.

    Then around April 2009, I went out on a number of dates over a weekend. Two of the three were really cool and I really liked one. That one never called, but the second guy, who was decent enough, did say he wanted to go out again.

    I said sure, why not?

    20 months later, I married him. :D

    Now, what if I was still hanging on to Mr. 2008? I wouldn't have met my husband, that's what! Mr. 2008's rejection was the best thing that ever happened to me... as was the rejection by all those other guys in the following six months.

    But if I hadn't kept putting myself out there, I wouldn't have found my husband. I just truly believed that I would meet the right one eventually -- didn't know how or when, but it would happen. And heck yes, I was frustrated, occasionally depressed, annoyed, angry, etc., but I kept on trucking.

    It was all very much worth it! I want to raise my glass to all those guys who rejected me! Cheers!

  2. And Bunny77 that is the tragedy but also the beauty of rejection. It's a two-sided coin. Being so devastated that you never take the risk again at love or being so desperate you just won't let go is a danger of not understanding the beauty in being rejected sometimes.

    I had similar story like that one, happen to me in my mid-twenties with a guy that I dated twice and shouldn't have. That's another blog post for later. But after I figured out he was playing the okey-doke he ended up with someone else and all I could do is pity her b/c he was a hot mess. I did thank God that I dodged a bullet with him and he didn't ask me to marry him.