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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Interracial Relationships in the End are Just Relationships

Matt and I got engaged summer of 2010, I was so excited when he asked me to marry him. He is the most wonderful man I think I've ever met and this is the best intimate relationship I've ever had, hands down. We're not just lovers, we're friends and I just don't love him very much, I like him also. I'm not excited about the wedding per se, I'm excited about the marriage. I'm excited about being his wife and all that entails. Now, I've been married before my previous marriage lasted almost 9 years when it ended it was tragic and it hurt and I felt like a failure. But really I wasn't, we had just become different people we'd probably been different people all along and only discovered it after almost 12 years of being together. My ex-husband was white, Matt is white. Why do I say this, you may ask. Because I'd like to let anyone that is thinking about or in a new interracial relationship that in the end, it's just a relationship. My ex-husband and I didn't divorce because he was white and I was black, we divorced because we were not right for each other. That could happen with any man or woman. Being racially matched don't make for a perfect match, really my personal thought is that it's more about culture than race. But even that could fall by the wayside if you love the person and do the work to make it a good relationship.

As I've stated in a previous post, my blog is not for IR dating/mating beginners. I am not here to tell you how to snag a white guy or Asian guy or Hispanic guy. I'm well beyond that and really like to deal with people who aren't all freaked out about serving their own self-interest which means finding the best mate for you. That mate could come in a variety of colors. I don't mind letting people know what it's like to date IR and what may happen because it can be challenging but it doesn't have to be. But I'd like to address something for beginners or people who are dating interracially for the first time or people who are considering dating interracially. I certainly support interracial dating in any form it comes no matter what gender or race the folks in the relationship are because I just think it's a good thing for people to look for the love that's best for them, to be cognizant of their own self-interest. I don't particularly understand nor can I wrap my brain around the concept of uplifting everybody else and forgetting about yourself. I certainly don't believe in self-sacrifice unless you're willing to or sacrificing for me. And unlike Jill Scott I don't 'cringe' when I see black men with women of other races, I don't take other people's choices as a personal affront to me.

But I do want to say this to those who are entering the wonderful world of interracial dating after you've first met the person, gone out, figured out you like them and maybe want to see where it goes, gotten over the issues/challenges that may come from friends and family (I say pretty much screw strangers and if friends and family get too overbearing maybe they should kick rocks too), and started a wonderful loving relationship with a man or woman. You will now figure out, it's just a relationship like any other intimate loving relationship. When I'm with Matt, it's no different than anyone else's relationship. We talk, laugh, argue, discuss, cajole, sympathize, support, comfort, and love one another. I don't get up in the morning with my first thoughts of the day being 'I'm black' and I don't believe he gets up thinking 'I'm white'. We don't particularly worry about our relationship being interracial, in fact it rarely ever comes up. Because in a real relationship, you discuss the actual relationship issues, you have a relationship with the individual not with the individual's racial make-up. Matt is his own person, I see him as such which means because he and my ex-husband share the same racial background it does not make them the same people or even similar people. In fact, Matt is a 360 degree change from my ex-husband, he's the total opposite of him.

The reason I'd like to reassure some men and women of this and especially black women is I don't want us to believe the hype. White men and men of other races are not all the devil nor are they all your saviors. They are an option in the dating world. And for men who are trying to date black women, we are not all the same so stop believing everything you see on television and BET videos. Stereotyping is lazy, non-critical thinking and it needs to stop. I don't begrudge anyone marrying or dating mono-racial, that is your choice. I do, however, begrudge people telling other people who they need to love or see as possible potential mates. I want for my nieces and nephews to have the options and possiblity to find someone that will treat them well, love, respect and appreciate them. I am so glad and blessed that my family loves me enough to understand that Matt loves me and I love him, we treat each other good, and we're happy. I wouldn't dare be so callous and cruel not to want that for the people that I love just because someone was a different race. In that case, would I really love them?

I say go out there and find the relationship that makes you happy. But know that will be like any other relationship and only special because you and that person make it special. It will be figuring out where to move, how much money to spend a new tv, how to budget for the bills, what to make for dinner or should we go out, what work was like today, the person that cut you off in traffic, whether that dress looks good, getting gas for the car, putting the toilet seat down, your new beautiful haircut, where to go on vacation, and just all the small things that make up life. But in the process maybe we can make some of the racist mad. They deserve some tweaking. I am a little evil sometimes. Hehe.


  1. Yup, pretty much.

    Oh, and triple co-sign on trying to figure out how to budget for the bills. ARGH!!!!

    Yeah, the hubby and I talk about race sometimes, but let's see, the budget, the health insurance, the job, the fact I need new brakes for my car, the laundry, buying a house, selling a house, our differing cleaning habits... all of those topics have taken up about 95% of our discussions lately... I think race might be about 3% right now! ;)

  2. Bunny77, you know that's why I like you. You get it. I think many people who are outside looking in at IR relationships think we're all consumed by race. Nothing could further from the truth. Like you, my car needs it $60,000 mile check up and Matt is figuring out when that needs to happen. We're talking about his new job and how busy he is. I'm talking about my job and how to get my students more motivated. We're forever talking about this wedding and how is going to go down. We're still trying to figure out where we want to take the honeymoon. Yea the majority of the time, it's just regular ol' life we're dealing with. LOL.

  3. Thanks. That's why I like you too! ;)

    Still haven't gotten those brakes checked out (maybe tomorrow) and the big home move is happening next Monday, but we're finally making progress on the other stuff! LOL

    Seriously though, I'd like to get to the point where we as BW who happen to be in IR relationships can truly get the point across that IR relationships really aren't going to be much different than monoracial relationships. I like reading blogs that feature couples and families that look like mine, but what I also like is the fact that most of them focus on how "normal" their lives are.

    Race/hair/etc., come up sometimes, but not so much that those issues dominate the relationship and family dynamic.

    Look forward to reading more!

  4. Me too, Bunny77 I'm looking forward to the day where it's 'special' because you're in a relationship with someone you love not 'special' b/c everybody thinks it's dang oddity. LOL. I'd like for that happen in general about race and hair and all the stuff, that it's just different and that different isn't bad.

  5. "Matt is a 360 degree change from my ex-husband, he's the total opposite of him."

    If you did a 360. You would be in the same position. I believe you mean a 180. Nice Article.

  6. Oh I was never any good at math but you get the gist of what I'm saying so I'm glad. Thanks.