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Monday, January 24, 2011

Black Women Be More Like Black Men

Whoa! Hold on, you say. That sounds like terrible advice but in one aspect of life, black men have it over black women. What aspect is that? Dating. Yes, plain and simple black women need to take a lesson from black men on dating, this one lesson. Date whoever you want and don’t give a rat’s behind what other folks think about it. I live in Seattle and it’s big on interracial and intercultural dating, it does it big time. When I first moved here almost 20 years ago I noticed something, many black men were swirling it up in this town and not concerned about who gave them the side-eye. It’s just been a recent phenomenon that black women have been doing this in Seattle, they haven't reached the levels of black men in the Seattle area but I do notice more and more black women dating interracially. Black men have been dating interracially a long time and just are not very concerned about what folks are thinking, particularly black women. I’ve always thought that a set of people who are real joyous in their interracial relationships, not giving a hoot about the world are black men and white women. I’m not writing this because I’m mad that black men date out and are lovin’ it. Man, I just wish black women would take on this same feeling about interracial dating.
Black women do more hand-wringing and worrying about what people are going to think if they just say they are attracted to non-bm, let’s not even talk about when they decide they might to want to date one. As black women we seem concerned about everyone’s feelings but our own. All skeeved out because of the family, friends, co-workers, black men, black women, the black community, our church, and just strangers on the street. Goodness gracious, why oh why aren’t we more concerned about our own happiness. There are websites dedicated to helping black women pursue their own self-interest and there are a lot of them. I find it absolutely amazing and mind-boggling that someone has to try to tell a set of grown women, maybe you need think of your own happiness before others.
I was perusing the boob tube last night and caught an episode of one of my favorite shows, I don’t get to see it as much as I’d like but I do enjoy ‘What Chili Wants’ on VH1. Last night’s episode had a particularly good scene where Chili was licking some wounds after finding out the really hot Brazilian race car driver, she was beginning to like, still had some baggage (old girlfriend) he had not rid himself of. She and her ‘love’ advisor Tionna Smalls had gone to a bridal shop where Tionna was trying on wedding dresses for her upcoming nuptials. Tionna was standing in a bridal gown on the pedestal lamenting to Chili how she wasn’t pursuing the ‘brothas’ anymore and how disappointed she was, yea boo effing hoo! Chili told her calmly but definitively that she’s always dated this way, she’d always dated all different races of men and what she wanted she looked on the inside to find not the outside. To which Tionna decided to try go all superior on her and explain why black men are so awesome and why no other man but a black can satisfy her and a bunch of other really childish rhetoric which all centered around the guy’s penis and not how the guy treated her. It was quite ridiculous, to which Chili replied ‘well, how do you know? How do you know you don’t like white guys, you’ve never been with one?’ Then Tionna decided to backpedal a little from her stupidity and say she wasn’t really attracted to white men, which is fine, if that’s it just say that’s it. But don’t start bragging about a man’s dick and think it should be enough for a woman to go all gaga over him. Then Chili said something I really hope a lot of black women heard, especially those that may be sitting on the fence about dating interracially. She said, that she dated any man she liked because that’s what black men do, they date who they want to date women of all races. Tionna had to agree with her on that because all you have to do is look around and see the truth in that and then Chili said that was also what white women did, dated whomever they were attracted to and two white chicks in the store had to nod in agreement. And yes, to all the black women, that’s what black men and white women both do, they date who they are attracted to and they don’t apologize, justify, or qualify why they are dating them to anyone. Black women, if you’re doing this, you need to stop. This is your life, stop straddling the fence trying to figure out whether or not you want it to be happy. I’ve always dated white men, although I find all races of men can contain some hotties I’ve just really always liked white guys. I’ve never worried how this affects other people or whether they will approve of my choices and I think people hold a level of respect for me because I don’t go around trying to make everyone feel okay with MY choice. I don’t begrudge anyone happiness and as I said above I’m not mad at black men because they date out and aren’t concerned about what I think as a black woman, they shouldn’t be, my opinion on what they do shouldn’t matter. I’m never offended and feel like they are snubbing me or it’s a reflection or affront to me, because it isn’t and if I thought it was then there would be something about me that’s narcissistic and weird and I ain't going there. So yes this is my choice.

I don’t ask anyone to explain theirs to me and I feel no obligation to explain mine to anyone. I suggest black women take a note from black men about IR dating, stop worrying what everybody thinks. A lot of white men and other non-black men are really interested in dating black women, but we’re our own worst enemies. Don’t ditch interracial dating just because you got your heart broke once by a white guy, that’s life not every man is going to be Mr. It and besides I don’t see black women doing that when a black guy breaks their heart. So ladies, yes it’s time to put on your big girl panties and start looking out for your own best interest the way black men do, ladies please take a lesson.


  1. I really liked that you addressed this episode because I watched it this morning but I had a hard time with everything that Tionna was saying (which means I was almost about to jump into my computer and like shake her!)

    I just did not like her sprouting out so much racially charged historical ignorance (i.e. back in the day white men were looked as matches for people who wanted "good hair" babies, the mention of Mandingo etc.) AHHHHHHHH! She really should stated her preference then went on with her dress picking. I swear if Lasse did not appear in the previews for the next episode I would have just stopped watching all together. There was just too much ignorance spreading in that section but I am very proud of Chilli for how she handled that situation.

  2. Crush'ed thanks for the comment. It was more confusing to me than angering. I heard her go into her mandingo speech and I thought, really, is that all your man has to offer. She didn't say she thought he thoughtful, a good provider, smart, caring or anything significant she just said he could satify her. Which meant she just described her bm as a big dick, wow! LOL. I just thought if that was her attempt at boosting black men, it sucked LOL. She looked stupid. I think Chili just went of conversation smelling like a rose, she was so classy and intelligent. I really gained respect for her after that.