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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sometimes...It's You

I'm going to be writing a regular blog post entitled "Sometimes..." with words following that happen sometimes and hopefully that may impart wisdom onto someone. I love passing on and I love gaining wisdom. I don't think people listen enough and they definitely talk too much. So the little bit of wisdom I have I've decided to pass on to those who will listen. Now, this may not help some people but for those who can use it, please take it and make the most of it. This wek's post is concerning, maybe it's just you.

As a woman who has date interracially, mostly white men but other races also, I get a lot of request for advice on how to snag a white guy. Really, I have no idea; white men are not some aliens that you need special instructions on how to handle. They are men like any other man and for the most part react and do whatever it is men do. For me most men consist in large doses of what we call ego, even the most soft-spoken, sweetest, gentlest man in the world will go all ego caveman on you when the right buttons are pressed. So when black women ask me, how I've come to date all these guys of varying hues I usually just say 'because I wanted to'. There's really no magic bullet when it comes to dating interracially, I'm kind of tired of people saying there is. All things with dating and mating are up to you. I dated my ex-husband for almost 3 years before we got married, still got divorced because we were just not the people that belonged in a marriage together. It wasn't that he was no good or I was no good, we just weren't good for each other. Now, that did not make me want to stop dating white men, usually we have always had more in common than most other men I've dated. So I learned a lesson, did some self-reflection, tried to overcome those things that were not useful about myself (I'm still doing that) and moved on to date/mate again. As you know I met someone wonderful, Matt, and this year we are getting married.

See isn't he cute, just look at that face makes me want to eat him up with a spoon. Don't mind me cheesing on the side.

But before I met him and after my divorce, I dated a little. I had not dated in almost 12 years an the last time I had I ended up with my ex-husband so maybe I had skills that needed honing. When I first started to date, I just had the worst luck ever with men. They had problems and wanted me to join them in those hot messes and try to make the most of it. I was so not onboard with that, uh-unh! I decided after a couple of really bum experiences to look at the one common denominator in this factor, although the men I dated had changed (in appearance and name); something about ME was still the same. There was something going on with me that I would attract people that I didn't want in my life. Something about me kept attracting these folks, who were either wishy-washy about committing, at least committing to me or men who were narcissistic, hell I'd just gotten rid of a narcissist, my ex-husband, I didn't want another one or wanting me to come and play co-dependent with them. I had to do somethng about me.

Now in the scheme of things doing something about you is just so much easier than trying to change the world. So when I hear women, especially black women complain about not being able to find quality men of varying hues because they live in (insert whatever city) or the men are not man enough to speak up to make a move or they as women aren't the right weight or height or skin hue or don't have the politically correct hair I call 'Shenanigans' (that my way of saying BS). When I say 'it's you' I don't mean it's the outer you, I mean it's the inner you, although there is nothing wrong with improving your outer self. I have seen combinations of men and women that sometime make me look twice and wonder how that happened but I really get to know them; I see how it's the inner person that hooked the other person and even I get charmed by their attractiveness. In our world of attempting to shift blame to everyone but ourselves when things go wrong, we have lost our power to improve those things that we can. I'm not saying everything in your life is your fault, many times it's not but many things you can change to make things better for yourself. I mean doing some deep soul-searching, no one ever wants to be introspective and it takes a lot of courage to do it. This searching could reveal what you may be attracting and what you're not attracting. Like attracts like, that's my take on the universe. Not just in looks but like in character. When I decided to look at myself and not look at outsiders, I empowered myself to be different, react differently and I still have to challenge myself about that daily. Being busy changing the outside or surroundings hoping to attract the man of your dreams is a waste of time, when you keep the inside the exactly the same. And please don't say 'well I'm nice, fit, good-looking, what's wrong with me?' That's a cop out and certainly not going deep enough. We all have things about us that are useless, we can be vindictive, mean, jealous, controlling, always wanting to be right, dismissive, cold, petty, bitter, bad attitude, unfriendly, arrogant, prideful, weak, passive, confused and that's just scratching the surface. No one is perfect but if you feel like you have an issue, maybe you ought to seek help in trying to change it. I don't care how you do it, but change is a good thing. This world cannot be 'my way or the highway'. You just cannot move to a new city or country thinking it's all going to be groovy and gravy when your inner self is still the same, because when you move, when you change your hair, when you lose weight, THE INNER YOU IS STILL PRESENT. That hasn't changed unless you've decided to change it. If you're not having the love life you desire, I'm gone put that on you because that's the way it's going to change.


  1. I agree. Sometimes it really is you. It took me until the end of last year to figure that out. I realized that I have to be a better person in order meet the type of guy that I want. nice post!

  2. Renee, you got it. It's not about perfection it's about being better, being different which is attainable for all of us. I wish you blessings on your quest.

  3. Hi Eugenia - with regards to my last post:

    I wasn't implying that you said anything about what I was referring to. At least, that was not my intention. Your post just reminded me of some things I'd read on other blogs, and I was expressing that. I was trying to share what I've learned - I certainly have no issue with you or your blog. My apologies for any confusion I've caused.

  4. Daphne, it's okay I'm just trying to keep things germane to the subject at hand. I know we can all fly off on tangents sometimes, I certainly tend to do this. But this is not a blog about black men as a central issue. That's why I took the post down and I don't want this blog to become about black men either to villify or deify them. This is about black women, now in passing I may mention black men and white men and asian men and hispanic men but it's about black women and women in general since I am both. I'll also write about other kookiness that I come across. I wasn't really sure where your previous post was going but know this, I have never dated or been involved in any serious relationship with a black man. So my thoughts about dating, marriage, issues in those sections of life are not from that experience. My ex-husband is white. Now really that's neither here nor there, we were not meant to be a married couple. That's all.

    Again, as terrible as people have been to some black women we as black women cannot control their reactions to us. We can control our reactions to them and when we give people the power to make us feel bad or doubt ourselves, they've won. No one is going to come to black women and say 'oh I'm so sorry we hurt your feelings' or 'oh I'm sorry we took your beauty and strength for granted'. It's not gonna happen, so why dwell on things that you can't change when you dwell on things you can. We can shout to the rooftops all day long about being done wrong, we ain't the only women in the world being done wrong. I found happiness where it was for me, I've always been an independent thinker so I've always done what's best for ME. Now if it's not good for you, don't do it. What worked for me don't work for everybody. And maybe when you're on this blog that will be something that will work for you, that I say take and use. That is all.

  5. Now I'm confused. I never made any declarations on what your blog was about, and I certainly never stated it was about black men. I was sharing my perceptions on some things based on my experiences and thoughts (and what I've read on other blogs). In a three paragraph post, I mentioned black men twice. Even then, I didn't villify or deify them in my references. I thought my original post was germane to the tone of the post; however, I was clearly mistaken, and I apologized for it.

    I also never stated that your perspective didn't work for me. My post never stated anything I was dwelling on - I actually referenced things I've learned, or how my thought process has changed.

    This is your blog, and I respect that. To my knowledge, there was nothing in my original post that refuted this.

    Obviously, I was not on the same page, and that's fine. But I'm making myself clear as well: my original post was never about you or your experiences, or a dispute thereof.

  6. Daphne my post on being germane was something I thought I needed to say so I did and the above post was something I thought I needed to say so I did. It wasn't all specifically addressing your post but it was, in a way, letting it be known what I am about that's all. You don't have to clarify yourself to me. I want to keep my blog as positive as possible, that's really all I'm saying. No need for confusion if we just push on with the conversation. Thanks.

  7. Hi Eugenia! I didn't realize this was your blog! I'll be tuning in... I've always liked what you had to say!

  8. Hi there Bunny77, I've had it for awhile but didn't post in it much. This year I decided I got more to say so I decided why not do on my own blog, that way I don't get moderated but I DO the moderating. Welcome and come over to comment anytime. I always love your comments.