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Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sometimes…You Need to Just Move On

I’m noticing a trend as I read blogs that are supposedly dedicated to black women’s empowerment or encouraging black women to date interracial and intercultural. They are obsessed with black men, I mean fair obsessed. If black men were feeling bad about themselves all they’d need to do is go to a couple of these blogs and their confidence would a get a boost. I mean talking about something you dislike so much, in a weird way, just reveals your desire to have it. Talking about how black men are into non-bw just makes you seem bitter. I’m sorry if you think it makes you look empowered, it don’t, I know bitter when I see it. Now, I know that isn’t the truth for most of these blogs but really for the majority that how it comes off sounding. Some of the stuff is not even logical, most of it is definitely not reasonable.

You know when I first started back on this blog; I swore on my dad’s grave that it would not turn into this blog that’s a smear campaign against black men. Now, really I could care less about black men and who they date or what they think of me as black woman, don’t care either way. Who the hell are they that I need their approval. They’ve never been on my potential mate radar, so really what they do and who they do it with makes me no never mind. I also think using this strategy alienates a ton of black women, let me tell you why. As much as you may think all black men are DBR and scum of the earth, these women know some black men that they love. I’m not talking about as boyfriend, it may be their dad, grandfather, brother, uncle, cousin, or their son but they know men that they believe are decent men. And you’ve pretty much just told her she’s a goddamned fool for believing that. Now I get the nuance of the DBR thing, yes there are a ton of black men who could use some help and many of them happen to be in our families mine included and I get that all the black men in my family I judge on a case by case basis. The ones that I love that are decent people, I continue to love and support. The others I love from a distance and don’t get involved in their drama but really I’m not so stupid that I can’t tell a good man from a bad one and I can’t negotiate how they will fit into my life accordingly. I also don’t think black women are so stupid, that they don’t get that and the insistence of some well-intentioned bloggers to continually beat you over the head with how dumb you are and how you’ve been living in the ‘matrix’ of the black community and only their words can free you is just downright insulting. I don’t care if your intentions are good, patronizing people is never okay and grown black women patronizing other grown black women is the height of sadness.

I know some of these women have had bad experiences with black men, as husbands and fathers and baby daddies. They made mistakes; they want to help other black women not make that mistake, which is commendable. But a black woman’s interracial dating guide that talks about black men all the time is not helping black women. I don’t mention black men on this blog, in any sort of substance, there’s a reason for that. This blog is about me and me encouraging black to date interracially. If I’m spending 70 or 80 percent of time analyzing all the crap that black men do and have done to you, how is that helping you? I want to help you find the man of your dreams and show you that you can have the man of your dreams with glimpses into my own relationship with Matt. Really we all get that brotha man, done you wrong, but you ain’t over that yet? Because if all the women you’re talking to at your blog are railing on and on about their bad luck with black men and how it’s scarred them for life, really they don’t need you they need a therapist. Now I know I’m probably not going to make any friends in the BWE or BWIR world with this post but that’s okay, I got principles which means sometimes I have to sacrifice friends. For some folks in this part of the blogosphere really it’s just time to let it go and focus on what really matters, the black women you’re trying to introduce to the wide world of dating non-bm and having their own self-interest at heart. Personally, I can do that without ever bringing black men into the conversation, see I’m that good. I know some of these blogs have a lot of readers but I’m sure they could have a lot more if they actually focused exclusively on black women. Because the couple of hundred or thousand you get every once in awhile is really small beans in comparison with all the black women who use the internet. Because constantly telling a woman that all the choices she’s made with men is because she’s indoctrinated and stupid just seems like an unproductive way to help people change their lives. But I don’t know maybe that’s just me.


  1. Good post.

    It's a bit hard to balance this, I think. It seems like most of you American girls seem to have had a lot of bad experiences with your black men.

    But yes it might not be the best idea to tell her that she's stupid. Even if she might be for mating with such a man lol. I just don't get it how a lot of you Americans can be content with being a "baby mama".

    I should make a pros and cons on dating a SA black man on my blog lol.

  2. I know many have too, Nkoszana, but the thing is they usually know that it's bad or that they made a mistake. Usually the 'mistake' you made in picking that man is in front of you in the form of a baby. When I made mistakes in picking people, no one had to remind me I knew. And for many young bw, they aren't holding the same baggage about race a lot of us older bw in the U.S. are holding on to. Those girls are easier to reach, both my teenaged nieces understand that they have options in finding a mate and when they can date will date IR. But I have to say at their age, I knew I liked white guys but really I didn't think of them as a dating option or mating option at 13 and 14, it didn't occur to me. So they are easy to reach. The blk women who have been through a lot need to be taught about self-interest, I don't need to dog anybody including those bw to teach about having self-interest. Self-interest breeds better choices in everything when I'm thinking about me, well of course I only want to best for me. Women need to be taught it's not selfish to think about yourself, if you don't nobody else will. But telling people in under-handed ways, that they're choices are dumb or they're dumb because they have a brother, father, uncle that's a good person to them, well they are brainwashed for feeling that way. Lots of bw need a lesson on self-interest, they're not brainwashed it's just that many women are taught to self-sacrifice and they need to stop that. If you're a baby mama or thinking you're content being a baby mama, once you learn about self-interest, yea baby mama won't be looking all that great. I'm saying, no needs to talk about bm at all when you talk about self-interest. I teach my girls self-interest not to hate bm, you know why because both of have black fathers, black uncles and black brothers that they love and I love. I try to spread a message of they're brainwashing you, it will fall on deaf ears. I say these things about dating IR and self interest in front their dads, my brothers and they agree b/c I talk about self-interest and they want the best for their girls. Like I said I could care less about bm, but I'm trying to reach bw, they are my priority. Hey you got a blog, I need to check it out and give up the pros and cons, probably be good.

  3. I'm glad your helping your nieces. I hope they will find happiness as many of us have and I know that pressure from other, but I ignored it because I wanted something for myself. It was kind of expected for me to marry a within my tribe. You would think that that would not be an issue in 21th century.

    I think you're on to something good for black women in the states.

    I hope you like my little corner of the web, it's a place for me to practice my English and just write about anything on my mind :)

  4. Thank you Nkoszana, I like your blog I've added to my favorites blogs on this page. I can't say a ton of people come here but good blogs need some blog love.

    I hope I'm reaching an audience of blk women that many other black women centered blogs ignore or insult. But you're right b/c you had self-interest it never mattered what others thought you should do, you did what was best for you. For b/c I had goals and wanted to reach them, I only thought about how I could make that happen. Now with my first husband, I made a terrible mistake and I don't want anyone to make a mistake like that, that's also the reason I don't act like wm are bw saviors they ain't, they can suck as husbands and boyfriends and fathers too. But when I started to date again, I thought only of me and what I wanted and needed that's why I picked better this time b/c of my self-interest. It works.

  5. Bravo! Eugenia. I too get tired of hearing the 'BM have done me wrong song'. Yes, I have had my problems with BM; too, (mostly street harassment but now I live in a gated community, so I don't have to deal with that so much anymore) like most BW. But I had to reach a point where I just had to move on and get over it. And how can anyone heal, if you‘re constantly cutting open the same wound over and over again. What's the point?

    I swear some of the BWE/BWIR blogs operate like "online cults." They seem to want keep BW stuck in a state of anger and rage. And god help anyone who comes in and tells them that they should let it go. You are atomically accused of trying to sabotage their message and you are attempting to keep BW from dating IR. How totally irrational is that? That's how cults operate, by the way, the moment a member expresses a point of view that the leader feels threatens their message, that member’s character is then assassinated and in the process all the other members then turn against that member. Meanwhile, your real intention was to get them to see the same message from a different angle. How is that sabotage? By the way, if a few words that they deem as negative about IR dating stops them from doing so, then they really weren’t that interested in dating non-BM to begin with.

    The WM as savior controversy, well they may not come right out and say it, but the inference is quite clear, isn’t it?

    I will say that I have gotten a lot from reading those blogs and continue to, but now I just take what I can use and then discard the crazy.

  6. I also want to add that who BM date or prefer has nothing to do with me. I moved on long ago. I just wonder why a BW who is dating or married to a non-BM still cares about what BM are doing or saying. I mean, in the beginning of the BWE blogs I was like finally someone is shedding light on the horrible way BM and the BC have been mistreating BW but that was some years ago. I'm soooo over it now.

    I sometimes get the impression that they still want BM. I believe some of them settled for a non-BM. And if they had met the IBM or if that IBM was available to them now they would rather be with him instead. Why else are they still obsessed with talking about BM?

  7. Liza207, you said it I get that feeling when I've read some BWE blogs in the past and it didn't set well with me. And yes since I don't desire to mate or date a black man, why would I ever waste any of my precious time talking about one. Who cares, what they do and who they do it with. I get the same impression you get when BWE go off on bm, it's like 'do you still want bm' it makes no sense to me.

    Let's not even get into the BWE that if you ask a question or have a different point of view, you are skewered and roasted on that blog. That's just kind of creepy. I'm promoting something as the gospel truth instead of just my opinion (which is what it really is) and I can't defend it, then something is wrong with my theory. I'm on this blog giving advice to black women, but if some other women can use it. I say go for it. Hopefully a couple of men come across something they could use if they want to date bw in IRs. I'm about promoting love not hate.

  8. As a Black man. I'm glad that you see the insanity of the majority of BWE blogs. Personally, I think they do a lot of it for profit. But that is just me.

    If black men aren't your cup of tea. Big deal. But this worshiping the alter of the great white man, and bashing all black men as evil. That is lunacy.

    What happens if things go sour with a White guy? Anyway. I like this post. It is a breath of fresh air.